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balance (2): carpe diem

Monday, December 2, 2013

carpe diem

i had a weird experience coming back from my brother's house in new mexico, in the wee hours of this morning. i am not sure how to describe it but it was basically a terrifying hyper-awareness of the inevitability of my own death, and the mourning of the loss of my self and my gorgeous life, all in the span of about ten fuzzy minutes. i tend to get anxious in general during the travel part of travel. but besides my being poked out of my doze by jolts of turbulence on the plane, part of it was a delayed reaction to my past few days of further reconnecting with my family (whom i haven't spoken to much over the past 16 years until recently). i realized that the more close connections you have with people, the higher likelihood of one of them breaking, changing, going away completely in the short term. and i am terrified in the first place of any connections with people since so many of them in my life have turned out to be double-sided crazies, even in said family- i have had enough trauma!!! and with those people who aren't crazy, getting close leads to that uncontrollable loss, that sadly finite knowledge and experience of intimacy. i don't know how to deal with that very well. so i have spent a lot of time in NY learning to be happy with myself, on my own- to an extreme i guess, considering how i've maneuvered myself into a life working from home totally independent of others, and basically living like a reclusive cat lady (thank the lordy for my visiting friends). i think my next stage of therapy is dealing with that terror of death and loss. it's keeping me distracted and antisocial and isolated. the technological grip on society on top of it helps us all dissociate. i have to pinch myself and remember to carpe diem!


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