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balance (2): December 2013

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


at the end of 2013, i will probably get drunk alone, on the bottle of 'cupcake' champagne i bought from the little meathead polish guy in greenpoint, while meow meows and paces the apartment. 2013 was both the worst and best year in awhile. new york is a maze of fakes. i love it here though, don't get me wrong. it's a sedate pace. but my dreams are wild and wicked. i have had a lot of grabbing life by the balls and making it look me in the eye. and a lot of delicious realization that friends are just in disguise. i want 2014 to not lose that tinge of disaster, but to ultimately be bright and shiny and sweet.

edit: i did not get drunk alone. i went out with my incestuous "bros" to a party at which absinthe and a rooftop were involved. as it should be in brooklyn.

Sunday, December 22, 2013


i have been giddy lately. it's true when you start doing things for yourself, being introspective and aware, setting healthy boundaries and curating better people, things start to happen. my therapist and i discussed that once i get completely on my feet, i can start contributing to the world in the way that i was meant to. it's amazing to get to be able to live through the things i have survived mostly, and to experience this culmination of things into a recognized self. i'm so happy lately!!!!

Monday, December 2, 2013

carpe diem

i had a weird experience coming back from my brother's house in new mexico, in the wee hours of this morning. i am not sure how to describe it but it was basically a terrifying hyper-awareness of the inevitability of my own death, and the mourning of the loss of my self and my gorgeous life, all in the span of about ten fuzzy minutes. i tend to get anxious in general during the travel part of travel. but besides my being poked out of my doze by jolts of turbulence on the plane, part of it was a delayed reaction to my past few days of further reconnecting with my family (whom i haven't spoken to much over the past 16 years until recently). i realized that the more close connections you have with people, the higher likelihood of one of them breaking, changing, going away completely in the short term. and i am terrified in the first place of any connections with people since so many of them in my life have turned out to be double-sided crazies, even in said family- i have had enough trauma!!! and with those people who aren't crazy, getting close leads to that uncontrollable loss, that sadly finite knowledge and experience of intimacy. i don't know how to deal with that very well. so i have spent a lot of time in NY learning to be happy with myself, on my own- to an extreme i guess, considering how i've maneuvered myself into a life working from home totally independent of others, and basically living like a reclusive cat lady (thank the lordy for my visiting friends). i think my next stage of therapy is dealing with that terror of death and loss. it's keeping me distracted and antisocial and isolated. the technological grip on society on top of it helps us all dissociate. i have to pinch myself and remember to carpe diem!

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