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balance (2): August 2013

Saturday, August 3, 2013

be here now

last night in my dreams i was traveling, and lost everything i had in my possession by picking up the wrong backpack, which had a bunch of broken iphones in it- instead of my backpack, with my iphone, and wallet, and passport... i even lost my shoes running back to the boat i had just gotten off of. then i got lost on the weird island full of dark soil and sprawling sequoia trees i found myself on, and was at the mercy of the disinterested retirees and locals there. it was terrifying!

but other than that, i feel great lately. a little lonely but good. somewhere in me a plan is forming, although it is not clear yet.  i like being free of ties (other than 'meow', who loudly declares himself a tie every minute of every day bless his fuzzy little heart). i am re-discovering my love of NY, which was buried under a lot of crapola in the past couple of years. my standards have never been so high and i am not suffering fools here, but am trying to be open and friendly to those i meet. trying to learn how to stay in one place! it's not easy! especially without a comfortable relationship to lean on (not that i really had that before). i have realized you need a stream of ideas, projects, routines, classes, teams, meet ups... relationships and situations i have always tended to barely acknowledge in my urgency to get away and explore other places. i have never had a stable life in one place!

so... i guess i am sort of growing up and forcing myself to see the other side, as boring as i find it, because i know it is better for me than constant chaos. i have talked to my therapist a lot about finding real connections, and meaning. she also encourages to follow my talents. according to her my "gift" is the ability to move the world with the truth.  i know that is true too... just gotta find the way to harness it! some ideas i have had- helping run a support group for kids with my background, teaching yoga to underpriveleged youth accused of crimes, doing a podcast and running a social website in my (very popular) neighborhood, fostering and adopting out pets, writing an advice column for young travelers.... i still just want to buy a bunch of tickets and just travel! but we shall see.

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