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balance (2): November 2012

Monday, November 12, 2012

i (do) heart ny

That means I got my heart broken by the two loves of my life in NY.

And finally, it happened on the same day (technically the second or third heartbreak from both loves). Not only did my anger culminate and turn to hatred towards the loser who was using me as his doormat and I struck back by exposing his tangled web of chronic lying (goodbye theo e, you creep), but I also received what I think was a suicide note from x. My heart stops even at the thought. I can not begin to fathom the grief I am going to be experiencing as soon as my defenses crumble and I let myself feel it. Thankfully I have a therapist appointment tonight.

I am not good with loss, if that is not obvious.

I do love NY though. Especially after disasters. Whatever bad can be said about the people here, the true NY'ers are really kind hearted. That bitch Sandy didn't do anyone any good in the past couple of weeks. I have met some really nice people who have been volunteering to help after the hurricane here, and who have been kind to me as well (one of them works for Doctors Without Borders). Nice, uncomplicated people are gold to me right now. I am seriously wounded.

At least I have my Meow to cuddle with.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

false

the problem with lies are that people who receive them base their whole lives on what they believe to be good and true- make life decisions on these things. lies are the reverse of trustworthiness, stability. it's like taking the wrong path, way the hell out into the middle of nowhere, and looking down at the ground as it drops from out from under you. it is telling the person you are with that they are not worthy of the good in you- of a real connection that doesn't have a false front. the sweet, fun person you kiss while they are sleeping, and cuddle, and live your life with, has been dead all along. it's like they pull off a mask and and their corpse face starts eating your paralyzed-with-shock face with their needlepoint teeth. it's creepy. it's unstable. people don't want to be around liars unless they themselves are liars too, and want to ride that pain train right into the ground linked arm in arm like crackheads propping each other up on the corner. no humanity left, just dirty and twitching and barely functioning as a pseudo-individual, with a lack of defined goals or instincts. no souls.

true people are happy people. they have each other's backs and strive for positivity and progress. they decide who they are and what they want and are honest about it- and people are drawn to them for their lack of bullshit, their openness, their trustworthiness. they get what they want by eliminating the betrayals. there are no intentional betrayals in truth, only the pain of finding that a truth is not aligned with your path (ie. a broken heart because of incompatibility). the betrayal is minimal and easier gotten over because the truth-teller reassures the receiver that they are worthy of truth and respect no matter how opposite. the people who can't take someone's honest self are the first crossed off the list of people who matter in the long run to that truth-teller, which is better for both sides, because then they can go find their own respective brands of true people- it's a quick shot straight to the middle of the riffraff, where the good and supportive and relate-able things dwell for you. it is the only way to live. you grab your truth and collect it. spread it around. make it safe and warm and fuzzy and bright and welcoming. true people will give the gift of no bullshit, no abuse, because they want to love you and know you and prop you up and share... as long as you tell the truth consistently. they can take your truth, examine it, and discard it and thus you politely. or they will open up to it and let you in. the whole world of possible experiences opens up with truth- freedom, trustworthiness, integrity- adventure even. people are free to sample all earthly delights if they follow a couple of basic rules about not making the decision to lie, betray, mislead someone down that dead end path.

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