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balance (2): October 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Sorry

Woah there antisocial weirdo. Right? Phew... I have been stuck in a trap for 2 1/2 years and I broke out in a hail of crazy just now. Of my own making partly, because I loved this guy, who was really bad for me....Yeah we really (really) love each other (but really really hate each other too!)...he is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship though (and possibly sociopathic) and maybe neither am I (too neurotic and moralistic). His idea of communication was to call me "psycho" and run away. Mine was to ask his friends to talk to him about priorities ;P. I finally realized it either had to change or I had to leave, for my own sanity (amazing how someone calling you crazy over and over can make you crazy). And yes, for his sanity too. I regret all of it, and feel sheepish all around. It's love man. Never ends well. :( I should know better though. It's just that everyone else seems so boring! And this particular love has isolated me from my friends. So I don't want to end up starting over again on my own. (Why does this keep happening? Stop!!!)

I got in a good mood about all of my options too though, which finally opened up when I decided to set my foot down. It was scary. Got an intense stalker girl from Craigslist (wish I hadn't told her which neighborhood I was in)... Also met a really nice fellow traveller girl on Craigslist, who may just become my new best friend! And some others- a schmancy redhead media girl, a meek negro fashion designer, another stalker I forgot to mention named Bruce at my bowling league (yes please keep track if I disappear)... going on winery tours, doing yoga and pilates, smoking myself silly while I write proposals and talk to my very anxious cat, listening to radio shows and drowning in pleasure in front of godard.... at least I do know how to live.

Now that I have myself back, and have resolved to play loud drum noises over every thought I have about 'x2', as I will call him... all I want to do is go have fun somewhere! But not with people with expectations, just people who are real... I would chew anyone who wanted anything from me up right now!!! This breakup is easy because I know I did every single thing I could and that toxic relationships don't stop being toxic (:( hence why I doubt I will talk to my deluded, drama queen, cruel-hearted mom ever again)... but it is still heartbreaking, there just beyond reach. I just fnally realized I can not be happy without honest communication that progresses. But I can be really happy with it!!!!! So someone else has to make that effort as much as I do.

So... now I have tickets to Austria and Germany in Dec, which may be kinda fun to do alone anyway. And I have miles of empty road up ahead of me, which is just the way I like it. Justified freedom!!! I loved and tried as hard as I could! Byebye!!! Where else can I go?...mmmm the lust for travel, and life....

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