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balance (2): February 2012

Saturday, February 25, 2012

hmm

who reads this site from beverly hills? can i come visit you? ;)

Thursday, February 9, 2012

win

i am realizing that picking the exact life you want and going to live it works pretty well! i mean it seems that if you are true to yourself, then nature or whatever provides.

first i chose to leave what was becoming a depressing situation in NY and go to thailand and revisit my life there. for me it was strange living there in koh phangan for so long, in a tiny village where everyone knew if you farted. i have never been under so much scrutiny in my life, and never been not able to get away from someone at a moment's notice. i have never had many ties before at all beyond my family, from whom i was trying to unravel. it was such a nice realization that i can go somewhere and be known, at least basically. it's comfortable, and safe (a word that when i left koh phangan i would never have used to describe it). i even made up with my enemy. we saw each other walking towards each other on the street and had a few whole minutes to decide how to react. we decided on friends, because in reality we are. you can't really be enemies with someone unless you love them. unless you are a psychopath, which i am not.

speaking of psychopaths i have become convinced that my ex is either one or he is the most fortified person i have ever met, back there behind his defenses. i stuck him out for so long because defenses are a challenge to someone who is obsessed with psychology and manifesting change. but i don't need a fixer-upper, especially when it just brings me down and makes me angry. so after a couple of insane(!!!) fights which should have made us never speak to each other again (but didn't), i am starting to finally really realize that 't' and i need to stay away from each other. our connection is weird. it's a sad, petulant, whimpering love at best, a sadistic, manipulative love at worst. i can't believe i am still talking about him.

't' and i did plan to spend 3 months in costa rica together this winter. we both decided that was a bad idea. thus i was terrified to come alone since the place i rented was in the middle of the jungle. i desperately grasped at indifferent friends. turns out it was the best thing i could have done for myself. i am living in an amazing house, trees full of animals and birds surrounding me. i have already made a few very nice friends. i spend my days working on the balcony, in my hammock, riding my bike in the humid day, drinking surreptitiously in corners of bars with my 'casado'. i love it in much the same way i loved thailand, but costa rica is less social and more alien, with the rasta carribeaners (several of them violent crackheads) and the visiting sloths. it's nice to know i will always be ok, even with just myself. i don't know why i forget that.

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