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balance (2): high

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

high

hullo stray browser i have trapped in my web. what are you doing spying on me here? not much to see at the moment. sorry to say. i had a weird couple of weeks in which i was inundated (buried alive really) in work, which has now miraculously disippated. aside from that i have been humming along in as much domestic bliss as i can muster in a life that is typically quite absent of that. a fat happy boyfriend, some neighbor cats who have adopted me (whom i tease endlessly with catnip which makes them silly). the comfort of a stuttering tv. i'm booooored though- really bored. i must say. the cracks in this facade run deep. there are so many things that can be done when you stay in one place. so many things you can build ('t' and i have endless ideas). people to make relationships with ('t' and i have endless barriers). but i just feel like i am missing out on the world, running in place here in NY. despite all the stimulation i remain angsty & sedate. i pay $1500 a month and insane amounts of taxes to barely ever leave my house. i breathe in pot smoke like it is oxygen. i fill up the pit of my stomach with alcohol. i avoid my friends and don't make any new ones. i pace.

but spring is alighting outside my window, finally. and if i do get out of my den my mood changes drastically. i walked down to the park at the waterfront with 't' today and it was good. i did yell at him a bit for living off of me. but since i get so much in return i don't berate him too badly. the only thing that really makes me feel like running away from him is sexual frustration. (so unfair.) i have other candidates knocking on my door but can't bring myself to cross that line yet. yet.

good thing i am headed to costa rica again on friday. road tripping it to the carribean side. beaches, rasta, jungles, wildlife. just the way i like it. 't' and i have resolved to give our selves a boot camp, to remind us what we want from life and get us out of a rut. we shall see.

speaking of sex i ran into my favorite blogger on my street today. was too shy to say hi to her even. i'm pathetic right now. i just realized.

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