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balance (2): christ mass

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

christ mass

the first christmas i remember was when i was 7 maybe. my younger brother was a toddler. he used to crawl around, and there were vents in the floor which got really hot in the wintertime and gave him blisters on his hands and knees. we were poor. we had a pathetic christmas tree, as usual. my main present was a pair of tennis shoes with stripes, to replace the ones i had grown out of. unwrapped. i shared a room with my 4 younger siblings. (step)daddy would get drunk. he got mad at my little brother for peeing in his pants and not on the potty chair. he beat the hell out of him, broke his collarbone. social services hauled my dad off, made him live in a hotel (where i was forced to go visit and sit quietly in the gray, airconditioned room, while i watched him twitch his feet in sleep for hours). most of the time i lived with my mom. i vaguely remember field trips with her (one in which i got a contagious yeast infection of the mouth- wonder what that was?!) to amazing cliff dwellings in the arizona canyons. i was in the 4H club. mom would bake and force us to go to church. daddy would feel my forehead and tell me i felt feverish. he would proffer and insist upon my chugging a whole bottle of nyquil. he would give me some pills too, which ensured a knock out evening.

this early christmas i remember him taking me to see my first r-rated movie ever; 'uncommon valor'. i remember waking up in the car afterwards, in the cold parking lot, with him breathing heavily in my face. i was staring out the window at the lights.

i don't remember the rest of the night. i know my sister and i would sneak up early to try to catch santa every christmas eve, so that is most likely what we did. i know i was unimpressed with my shoes. i know later on we had to pretend to be a perfect family whenever the caseworker brought dad for a visit. & due to the potential wrath of my mother, she bought it every time. i know i am so happy that that was 27 years ago...

i don't really care about christmas this year. haven't much paid attention- every day is the same in my little home office, after all. i did have a nice soundtrack of old timey christmas tunes in the car the other night with 't'. he told me how in austria they have a christ child with wings who brings you presents at 8pm, instead of santa. but that's it... i have no christmas tree. no family get together. no office party. no gift exchange. i am not even interested in seeing the christmas movies i usually pile up to zone out in front of.

but that doesn't mean it won't be a happy christmas. i will be sipping cocktails and watching the sunset on an island for the next 5 days.... so uhrhnnn all you normal people!!!!

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