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balance (2): December 2010

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

christ mass

the first christmas i remember was when i was 7 maybe. my younger brother was a toddler. he used to crawl around, and there were vents in the floor which got really hot in the wintertime and gave him blisters on his hands and knees. we were poor. we had a pathetic christmas tree, as usual. my main present was a pair of tennis shoes with stripes, to replace the ones i had grown out of. unwrapped. i shared a room with my 4 younger siblings. (step)daddy would get drunk. he got mad at my little brother for peeing in his pants and not on the potty chair. he beat the hell out of him, broke his collarbone. social services hauled my dad off, made him live in a hotel (where i was forced to go visit and sit quietly in the gray, airconditioned room, while i watched him twitch his feet in sleep for hours). most of the time i lived with my mom. i vaguely remember field trips with her (one in which i got a contagious yeast infection of the mouth- wonder what that was?!) to amazing cliff dwellings in the arizona canyons. i was in the 4H club. mom would bake and force us to go to church. daddy would feel my forehead and tell me i felt feverish. he would proffer and insist upon my chugging a whole bottle of nyquil. he would give me some pills too, which ensured a knock out evening.

this early christmas i remember him taking me to see my first r-rated movie ever; 'uncommon valor'. i remember waking up in the car afterwards, in the cold parking lot, with him breathing heavily in my face. i was staring out the window at the lights.

i don't remember the rest of the night. i know my sister and i would sneak up early to try to catch santa every christmas eve, so that is most likely what we did. i know i was unimpressed with my shoes. i know later on we had to pretend to be a perfect family whenever the caseworker brought dad for a visit. & due to the potential wrath of my mother, she bought it every time. i know i am so happy that that was 27 years ago...

i don't really care about christmas this year. haven't much paid attention- every day is the same in my little home office, after all. i did have a nice soundtrack of old timey christmas tunes in the car the other night with 't'. he told me how in austria they have a christ child with wings who brings you presents at 8pm, instead of santa. but that's it... i have no christmas tree. no family get together. no office party. no gift exchange. i am not even interested in seeing the christmas movies i usually pile up to zone out in front of.

but that doesn't mean it won't be a happy christmas. i will be sipping cocktails and watching the sunset on an island for the next 5 days.... so uhrhnnn all you normal people!!!!


Wednesday, December 15, 2010


it's definitely winter now and i am not sure if it is the fact that it is a nipply 20 degrees outside, the fact that i have stupidly accepted way too much work from clients, the fact that i have not really left my bed much at all, the fact that i have been swallowing tramadols like they're m&ms, or the fact that my bf-of-sorts has been mostly sleeping at his house lately (probably for the best) that has me feeling insanely witchy.

sigh. i know this about myself. i get evilly out of sorts this gray and gloomy time of year. i hate that the sun sets around 4:30p. i hate that it's christmas and i don't have anyone around to care about. i hate that i can't just walk happily around my neighborhood in flip flops and pet doggies. i hate that i start to detest & revile anyone in my immediate proximity. especially if they are fat and loud and obnoxious and damaged and gross and stupid!

...thank the lordy for radiolab. for psychology and astral physics video lectures from the web. for netflix and kayak and youporn. for bottles of white wine, footy pajamas, and the thick brainless hardcover book i am reading myself to sleep with. thanks for my new handheld herb vaporizor which looks moronic but does the job nicely. thanks for my tickets to an island just off cancun next week. thanks for somehow making me just wimpy enough to never be able to put myself out of my misery.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010


in the mood i am in now i should probably not write in my blog. let's just put it that way.

hmmm. let us move on. i have just re-remembered myself, my amazing life. just had a magnificent trip to costa rica in which i drove bickering amusedly with my escort... all over the lush foggy bright green countryside. we lounged under the volcano (arenal) in steamy hot springs, and got waterfall massages, spied on by friendly jesus christ lizards (who walk on water). ate lavish and expensive meals proferred by simpering sycophant waiters, ziplined breathlessly over awesome jungle valleys and a majestic lake lined with singing (and roaring) rainforest, chock full of wildlife that we coaxed out or observed bemusedly with binoculars from a boat at the cano negro wildlife preserve. i fed steak bones to and patted stray dogs in the sketchy but friendly tourist town square of la fortuna. poked at medicinal plants with a self proclaimed shaman ("it's okay!?" he asks, excitedly and repeatedly, as he points through the debris at a hovering sloth, or crushes cinnamon leaves to sniff, as he takes every opportunity to touch me rather inappropriately). i had an overall amiable time getting drunk and thrashing with nightmares along side my so-called (and thus probably not) boyfriend. wishing that the plane rides would end.

travel is like looking in the mirror on acid. such an honest and even crass and critical look at your own life. the tedious days of waste you realize you live most of the time.

it's nice to come back to NY too though, the intellectual magnet. the beautiful contest. my undeniable and generous freedom.

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