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balance (2): December 2010

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


it's definitely winter now and i am not sure if it is the fact that it is a nipply 20 degrees outside, the fact that i have stupidly accepted way too much work from clients, the fact that i have not really left my bed much at all, the fact that i have been swallowing tramadols like they're m&ms, or the fact that my bf-of-sorts has been mostly sleeping at his house lately (probably for the best) that has me feeling insanely witchy.

sigh. i know this about myself. i get evilly out of sorts this gray and gloomy time of year. i hate that the sun sets around 4:30p. i hate that it's christmas and i don't have anyone around to care about. i hate that i can't just walk happily around my neighborhood in flip flops and pet doggies. i hate that i start to detest & revile anyone in my immediate proximity. especially if they are fat and loud and obnoxious and damaged and gross and stupid!

...thank the lordy for radiolab. for psychology and astral physics video lectures from the web. for netflix and kayak and youporn. for bottles of white wine, footy pajamas, and the thick brainless hardcover book i am reading myself to sleep with. thanks for my new handheld herb vaporizor which looks moronic but does the job nicely. thanks for my tickets to an island just off cancun next week. thanks for somehow making me just wimpy enough to never be able to put myself out of my misery.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010


in the mood i am in now i should probably not write in my blog. let's just put it that way.

hmmm. let us move on. i have just re-remembered myself, my amazing life. just had a magnificent trip to costa rica in which i drove bickering amusedly with my escort... all over the lush foggy bright green countryside. we lounged under the volcano (arenal) in steamy hot springs, and got waterfall massages, spied on by friendly jesus christ lizards (who walk on water). ate lavish and expensive meals proferred by simpering sycophant waiters, ziplined breathlessly over awesome jungle valleys and a majestic lake lined with singing (and roaring) rainforest, chock full of wildlife that we coaxed out or observed bemusedly with binoculars from a boat at the cano negro wildlife preserve. i fed steak bones to and patted stray dogs in the sketchy but friendly tourist town square of la fortuna. poked at medicinal plants with a self proclaimed shaman ("it's okay!?" he asks, excitedly and repeatedly, as he points through the debris at a hovering sloth, or crushes cinnamon leaves to sniff, as he takes every opportunity to touch me rather inappropriately). i had an overall amiable time getting drunk and thrashing with nightmares along side my so-called (and thus probably not) boyfriend. wishing that the plane rides would end.

travel is like looking in the mirror on acid. such an honest and even crass and critical look at your own life. the tedious days of waste you realize you live most of the time.

it's nice to come back to NY too though, the intellectual magnet. the beautiful contest. my undeniable and generous freedom.

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