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balance (2): fun at uj

Thursday, October 28, 2010

fun at uj

what. what what. all my friends are mad at me for my emotional outburst about the guy i can't help but tolerate. and even yes love goddamnit. singing like a reggae master in the other room. stupid kids, they'll learn.... when you love someone you love them... ain't no room for anything else.... except for when love entertwines with hate (yum) and makes things exciting (regular sex outlet at least!).... well maybe there's a little too much hatred for myself, it's true, for being dumb and trusting. but if it is a choice between potentially being happy and being not, you choose the love every time, i say. ;)

we took a leonard cohen poem and turned it into a song the other night, when we made up, t and i. then we fucked like languid kittens. when we sleep we cling. this was a typical night other than a beautiful fight (in which i was humming, on ecstacy, and came across a message he wrote completely zonked out on a sleepy drug to another girl. i decided to throw him out quietly. i went outside and met a gorgeous girl of my own, on the porch step, with whom i commiserated for an anonymous and infatuated hour, while the neighborhood freaks traipsed by. she inspired me to be strong. i returned to my apartment and packed t's things by the door, for when he awoke from his daze. i snuck onto his facebook and changed his status to 'married', which is true, and evil. ;)))) but the days go on... mostly happy. :) he comes back around. he picks me up in his car. he cooks his signature weird food (the boy did go to culinary school) and talks about historic culture to keep me entertained. we snuggle. i make more of an effort to regularly escape him and do my own shit, like trying on fake eyelashes or staring at myself naked in the mirror.

i got a new job, in addition to my fleeting online romance with my real job, which i interact with hardly ever except to talk to my boss about her dogs. i am pretty much rich right now (probably why t comes back around). this new job is run by an israeli man with honest black eyes. i want to throw his stupid little japanese dog "sushi" at the wall and scream, and to hug his beautiful wife and blooming mother.... him i like, he's straightforward. i want to be his friend and help him which is an oddity when it comes to me and authority.... i also have a crush on my project manager, with his long island drawl and pink cheeks. good peeps!.... i feel constantly stimulated at the moment. by everyone i meet. and meanwhile i am doing some good work.

looking out my window at the funeral home, circled by taxis. thinking about freddy upstairs, who hasn't come down for a few days. i hear him moaning and thrashing and even screaming upstairs, but i am too scared to help him, which makes me feel vile. i have a crick in my neck and my heart aches. his elderly friend, jerry, comes by, doddling in his windbreaker, and tells me about his dizzy spells. he leaves packages of baked goods for his old friend, & nods to the neighbors with me, at the furniture store next door. i hope sometimes if i breathe deep enough they will all feel all the love in the building. <3

it's all good. i guess.

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