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balance (2): blah

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


so my muse morphed into a weirdly platonic friend who just drive-by cuddles me. this was after a lot of intense drama i won't get into, mostly caused by yours truly. he drops by my house to smoke my weed and jump on my bed and be overly dramatic and messy and generally cause a ruckus. he's a human tornado of expression. i heart him for sure and can't really remember what my life was like before him! (his energy is that abrupt). but- he's starting to feel like an pesty younger brother who is stealing my independence.... and thus i discover that the grass is... always greener right where you stand now, so take what you can get, elocin...... but i am done playing mother to any helpless stray boys (thais kinda ruined that for me). hopefully he is a man in boy-disguise.

i can't complain at all of anything but boredom, which is my own fault. things are really good now. my nabe, whom i love with his gawky and incongruously subversive lack of guiles, also hangs out a lot in my new living room. he brought his peculiar dad the other day, visiting happily from thailand, to sit on my loveseat and sample my smokeable wares. he was 65 and spry and likes drugs even more than we do(!). but was refreshingly intellectual and unassuming. his father figure only served to reinforce the brotherly vibe i have with nabe though, who even spent the night dreaming quietly on the far side of my bed last night, when his own bed was packed up in a moving van (thank 'god' he's still my nabe though, he's just moving closer to the park!). i love him too, probably would love to cuddle him but didn't, don't wanna *do* him at all. sigh.

so what else. every 3rd boy out the window is shockingly handsome. i have a from- afar crush on this very awkward and shy nerd boy who looks like a young, hipster clark kent. i have seen him and wanted to run up to and save him about once a week for the past year, in his dark rimmed glasses and nervous glances, shuffling down my street.... otherwise various lurkers at the edge of various neighborhood scenes tempt me out to look at them now and then, but they kind of all blur together.

i decided i am some version of boy crazy. i need the intrigue of a boy in my life, and once i fill that hole so to speak (yay!) i can happily move on to unblocking other ones (ie. writing anything of note). it's pathetic really, but i am after all a girl.

meanwhile i work (which entails being available from 9-5 for random conference calls and conversations in which my boss just vents and i pretend to be enthralled, and otherwise wandering around my house in a daze, or watching films). i sometimes go to the gym and do the minimum possible of exercise that could be considered a workout. it's a nice walk to and from though.

i also sit and agonize about where to travel. i am so unfocused i can't decide. i am bored of boredom(!) and miss decadence and freedom. i want animals and sunshine and water so bright blue it's painful to the eye, and a hammock on the white sand, and parties under the moon with people from all over the world...

uh oh. and winter is coming fast!



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