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balance (2): September 2010

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


my bf of sorts (i explain to everyone i don't have time to hang out with in text) says what i lack is a room with a door, in my head. i have multiple hours of video of me yelling at him to shut the fuck up about this room with the fucking door (rolls eyes. yes, another egomaniacal, but brilliant, partner for me…) it's where i am supposed to put "things", but i have yet to figure out what those things are. there is something to this i think, that i need to learn, but i have to learn it by myself, not with stinky jesus my pseudo-shrink preaching at me (i'm such a rebel). once i create or discover this magical room, my stifled artist and repressed childhood emotions will suddenly and dramatically reverse themselves out of me, and copious amounts of vomiting in both a literal and figurative sense will ensue and i will emerge from the sticky stench a changed girl with sparkly thigh high boots, curly lashes, and tattoos, lovers on both arms and some sort of writing contract. more balanced, more sexual, more blatant, more expressive, more focused, more alive. wonder me.

ok. despite my protestations that he is just trying to convert me to extroversion, he has a point. and i am good at learning. what i am learning right now is that for all my meticulousness (yes i can rightfully be accused of being anal to an almost OCD degree) i have no focus. and an absolute lack of confidence (damnit thailand! and damnit people who call me a dumbass, you know who you are). i wish i could start my life over at 21 and go down another path- one that was parallel to mine but was more amazing. in some ways it really is too late for me. but that is the past…

these are always artists who tell me these things. and even if i am not an artist, i am amazing just as i am. my life is amazing. i do have a voice, whether i choose to broadcast it or whether people choose to hear it or not, it's there, so there. i have a great apartment i pay for with a great job (which i grumble about until that nice check comes in the mail). i have fun friends who actively love me (i hope anyway, they are all boys!). i am happy in NY even without traveling for months at a time. i have seen a lot of greatness in my time… and maybe as an introvert i also love just being a witness. fuck whoever tells me i am not clever, or that i am not doing enough, or tries to change the core me. who smokes my weed, eats my food, stays in my apartment all the time now, tries to swindle me into helping me with his work and supporting him since he's broke (for now)… who keeps me from my real life and self, who smothers me all the time with his prolific greatness (which admittedly really is great). who like all artists i have known is kind of a slob, an animal even …why do i end up with these semi psychotic manipulative people, whom since i love i find very hard to get rid of? who latch on to me like i am a mama bitch?

but then again, there is that love bit. bf-of-sorts drives me around on adventures. binges happily with me in several ways (there is that dangerous challenge). is super fun to cuddle with and kiss and bite. is patient with my ridiculous sexual hang ups… oh, i decided not too sleep with him right now, dear conscience-slash-blog-stalkers. he is enough in my face that i don't need his terrifying *penis!* on top of everything. and he's married still. i found him a couples counsellor to take the wife to this evening, come what may (so grown up and repulsive, even the concept). maybe wifey wants him more than i do. maybe i should let her have him…. if not she might kill me someday soon (she's a destructive alcoholic ballerina from a rich family), but i am trying to be fair. she knows about me and how to reach me. i am not trying to take her man. her man is definitely the one trying to get me.

anyway… he can be shockingly and even annoyingly sweet. cooks elaborate crap in the kitchen and brings it to me to sample with little decorations. laughs uproariously at my favorite british comedy with me, and flops around analyzing my favorite science radio show. tells brilliant stories of his own- acts out historical battles or science fiction with accents. crawls onto and plays very talented music on the bed in the middle of the night. has an interesting life in which film crews follow him around to document him, and he gets free trips to play festivals in brazil (to which i think i will latch on in turn). & he seems to like me a lot more than i like him, which is always good, but suspicious.

maybe i am just scared, sigh. relationships are both a yummy comfort and a tedious bore. at least when you are by yourself you have no one else to blame or resent. but i have been complaining about not having someone to share things with too, for the last year, so maybe i should try to enjoy the good parts?!?!?!? maybe i should open up and fall madly in love with him because he came along in just the point of my life that i need him and am ready for him. but that would mean a lot of years of breaking out of my shell first (to the point where i have to be aggressive and tell him what's up so he doesn't swallow me), before it's balanced. is it worth it? sounds so monotonous! blahhhhh life. why can't i just be happy in a miserable relationship like everyone else? pshaw.

anyway another thing bf-of-sorts helped me with, was to me drag my lonely 78-year old neighbor fred to an ambulance when he called me all bloodied and drunk from the floor upstairs, with his balls hanging out. second time this has happened. poor fred- depression trigger extraordinaire. as they drag him down the stairs he yells his life story to me- his dead daughter, his evil ex wife. his calendar has written on it vodka. with an underline. every day of the week. sigh.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


so my muse morphed into a weirdly platonic friend who just drive-by cuddles me. this was after a lot of intense drama i won't get into, mostly caused by yours truly. he drops by my house to smoke my weed and jump on my bed and be overly dramatic and messy and generally cause a ruckus. he's a human tornado of expression. i heart him for sure and can't really remember what my life was like before him! (his energy is that abrupt). but- he's starting to feel like an pesty younger brother who is stealing my independence.... and thus i discover that the grass is... always greener right where you stand now, so take what you can get, elocin...... but i am done playing mother to any helpless stray boys (thais kinda ruined that for me). hopefully he is a man in boy-disguise.

i can't complain at all of anything but boredom, which is my own fault. things are really good now. my nabe, whom i love with his gawky and incongruously subversive lack of guiles, also hangs out a lot in my new living room. he brought his peculiar dad the other day, visiting happily from thailand, to sit on my loveseat and sample my smokeable wares. he was 65 and spry and likes drugs even more than we do(!). but was refreshingly intellectual and unassuming. his father figure only served to reinforce the brotherly vibe i have with nabe though, who even spent the night dreaming quietly on the far side of my bed last night, when his own bed was packed up in a moving van (thank 'god' he's still my nabe though, he's just moving closer to the park!). i love him too, probably would love to cuddle him but didn't, don't wanna *do* him at all. sigh.

so what else. every 3rd boy out the window is shockingly handsome. i have a from- afar crush on this very awkward and shy nerd boy who looks like a young, hipster clark kent. i have seen him and wanted to run up to and save him about once a week for the past year, in his dark rimmed glasses and nervous glances, shuffling down my street.... otherwise various lurkers at the edge of various neighborhood scenes tempt me out to look at them now and then, but they kind of all blur together.

i decided i am some version of boy crazy. i need the intrigue of a boy in my life, and once i fill that hole so to speak (yay!) i can happily move on to unblocking other ones (ie. writing anything of note). it's pathetic really, but i am after all a girl.

meanwhile i work (which entails being available from 9-5 for random conference calls and conversations in which my boss just vents and i pretend to be enthralled, and otherwise wandering around my house in a daze, or watching films). i sometimes go to the gym and do the minimum possible of exercise that could be considered a workout. it's a nice walk to and from though.

i also sit and agonize about where to travel. i am so unfocused i can't decide. i am bored of boredom(!) and miss decadence and freedom. i want animals and sunshine and water so bright blue it's painful to the eye, and a hammock on the white sand, and parties under the moon with people from all over the world...

uh oh. and winter is coming fast!


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