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balance (2): July 2010

Friday, July 30, 2010

set up

this boy i met, this man i met, this boy who wrenched my heart beating from my chest and started to devour it, and then from whom i snatched it back in possessive and unbalanced confusion. this married man writhing in pain in front of me, whispering lies right to me. such blue, wistful eyes, my twin orphan, my soundtrack to tantric sleep, my fellow rider on the ecstatic storm of shaded lights through brooklyn and manhattan backstreets, making me and my life feel big and amazing and the world seem small and far.....

yep, infatuation. and illicit at that. damn my brain for being so logical and seeing right through it, thereby slaughtering it. wisdom is the enemy of dreams i wish to live in forever.

we had an amazing couple of weeks of decadence and an eery, intense but childlike connection. the kind of whirlwind foolishness you don't trip over very often... the kind that everyone talks about. and then bam, i had to slam the lid down on it. because i am not a stupid girl.

now i feel like i can't breathe, hyperventilating, choking on my insides. it's like i dropped him down a deep hole and listened until the screams died. and i want to throw myself in after him but i know better.

luckily these things pass, and i am moving tomorrow which should be a distracting change. and i got out before it got too deep. but i can't promise not to stalk him to death, even if mostly in my sweaty teary dreams... and i can't promise that my whole weekend won't be spent in utter anguish.

until when, my beautiful echo of a muse. i will never forget you.

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

little changes

out of nowhere came a storm of dates (thank heaven when it pours), and i have been going on them despite my insidious reluctance to leave my comfort zone here in my brooklyn 'hood. one date was a half black (but looked white) carpenter i met on a dating site, who helps run a roadhouse bar for musicians and bikers, and who bitched at me over canned beers about women who failed to meet his expectations and otherwise treated me fairly rudely. i keep meaning to talk to him again but it never happens. i ran into him on the street since and we said an awkward and sideways hello and that's it...

then there was the strange, unwashed, eccentric hobbit boy who hunkers in his dark room, writing product reviews for fun and creating strange images and music. i liked him a lot as a person (made it to two dates) but whenever he tried to touch me i flinched and snapped at him(!). he didn't seem to find much of interest about me (even when i ventured to tell about my life)- he seemed focused on the potential sex. and besides the fact that his sheets disgusted me, i tend to look for other stuff than just sex right off the bat... or maybe there just wasn't chemistry... oh well can't always win. i still had a lot of fun smoking his bong with him, playing a version of rock, paper, scissors that involves monkeys, pirates, robots, zombies, and ninjas... we even tried to play tuneless music together on his instruments, and walked all over the lower east side from park to park. so in the end he was good...

the third date was my favorite, and sprung from real life even. serendipitous and strange. many years ago when i lived in williamsburg i used to have a crush on a subway musician who sang quite plaintively and had beautiful eyes. i admired him from a distance, except one time when i bought a cd from him and shyly skittered away. he sort of represented a big side of NY to me at the time. but life took me travelling across the globe and i had since pretty much forgotten about him. three weeks ago i met a real estate broker who showed me an apartment. i found i didn't care about the apartment but i liked the broker. he had bright energy and we got along so well. i sent him an email afterwards asking if he would ever want to go out with me- very abnormally forward for me. he took awhile, but finally answered, and i found out he was the very same musician from years ago! i just didn't recognize him- kind of chilling. so he picked me up excited in his big grandpa car, drove me to a great neighborhood on the water, where we sipped beverages and vomited out all our truths almost as soon as we had sat down. i have never met someone with such a similar life story to me, and definitely never learned that within the first hour of being with someone!... that led me to think he was disturbed, but that is only more enticing to me. he made me laugh all evening with his dramatics, his silly clothes, his attempts at lying to me about his wife. haha. i definitely want to see him again (and he made it very obvious that he wants to see me) but i think i shall keep him at arm's length at least until he can prove he is separated from her....

and the most recent date was spontaneous, with a good friend. well, as good a friend as one could be in a couple of months.... we have had very honest text-based relationship on the phone. in person we are very incongruous. he is shorter than i and totally opposite- he looks like a squat gangster skinhead. my friends would never understand how we managed to hook up. but his pheromones are ridiculously and hypnotically pungent to me!!! i can't resist him when he gets close to and breathes near me or touches me, it feels exciting, and biologically somehow right- so weird! plus, his approach is to worship me, which goes over quite well ;P, he could teach the other guys i know a thing or two (and he is ten years younger than i am)... but i also need to keep him at arm's length because i feel like he is not what i am looking for- he's a bit alcoholic, and not like me at all in important ways, and i therefore might hurt him if he really likes me as much as he says. (what am i thinking, guys just want sex anyway right? it's probably all good)....

& i have one more date scheduled for this week with a guy i have been putting off for months because he, much like date #2, approached me sexually right off the bat, and i can't have sex with someone i don't connect with first. my brain is my most sexual organ, as cheesy as it sounds, but it also "cockblocks" me a lot of the time. if you can manage to hit me the right way i get past it and so do you. but if you just want to feel me up, you have a seat in that line over there... we'll see. this guy does my exact same job so at least maybe i can network (yawn).

anyway yay! fun times, i could get used to this dating thing. new, awkward, interesting experiences with strange people i might not have otherwise ever met is right up my alley, thanks. i hope this means my dry spell is over!

...other than that, i did something mystifying and that is put down a large deposit on an apartment for rent(!?!). moving in 2 weeks. i did it because i want my own place, my own space, my own things- a place where i can invite my traveller friends to visit, and otherwise feel like i am living like an adult. but the ties aspect is terrifying, as is the fact that it is right smack in the middle of a very annoying neighborhood (closer to the heart of hipsterdom- whenever will those hipster dorks move on!) and the rent is expensive, so subletting it when i travel in the impending winter might not be so easy, and i hope i don't lose my job somehow!... but at least so far i have resisted getting a pet! and i am excited at the new change... for now i am happy. :)

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