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balance (2): June 2010

Friday, June 18, 2010

bZZzzZzzzZZZz

i would like to do a new blog, where i tell interesting stories and post cool shit i find, and maybe do some creative writing or something. maybe involve my neighborhood in some way. this blog is just like therapy for me. and my musing about how much i love to and want to travel i guess. i can't believe anyone bothers to read it (since the travel part has been put on hold indefinitely while i re-stock on cash). i suppose i need a new and more creative outlet. hmmm am i too lazy to set up another site? we shall see...

this week i am so wound up, i can't calm down enough to breathe properly, my shoulders are at my ears, i am so hunched up with inexplicable stress and remnants of nightmares which i have been waking up muttering from. i haven't been able to do much at all except hover breathless in one place, like a hummingbird on speed. and it has coincided with a very slow week at work (i am too good, i do my work too fast. i am gonna perform myself right out of my jobs!) and a confusing drop off of my friends who are either bored of me because i am a girl who won't sleep with them (as usual) or are just busy. i am really surprised i haven't just blasted off into space yet, i am so completely bottlenecked. it's been kind of rough! i feel like i have lost my center of balance.

i have tried exercising (on my gazelle, to intricate stories from radiolab wafting in and out on the breeze). i have tried smoking pot in abundance (weed delivery services in NY are one of the very best perks of living here). i have tried drugging myself half to death with tramadol (yum fun but here i am). i have tried glugging beers and smoking cigarettes til i felt like choking and my skin broke out. i have tried walking around my shady 'hood in the dark. i have tried stuffing my windows with new plant-pets and their kindly oxygen. tried looking for larger apartments in my 'hood and decorating them in my head with velvet settees, bordello canopies and painted chinese divider screens (i did meet a very interesting german musician/real estate guy with brilliant blue eyes and blonde curls, whom i subsequently sent an ill-disguised love letter to!) i have tried my hip hop dance class (in which i look like a gawky, hopelessly clumsy man in the mirror compared to my buxom airy teacher i am crushing on). i took myself to see a late night film by one of my favorite directors (jeunet) and can barely remember it for all my fluttering about in my brain (though it was a beautiful film, visually- micmacs). i tried shopping therapy online but someone snatched up the edward gorey tarot set i was coveting on ebay while i daydreamed stupidly out my window for half an hour. i directed myself towards the salon for a hair trim and a chat with the stylist who seemed to have heard it all before and made me feel boring, and who seemed even more frustrated with my stubbornly straight and limp hair than i was, finally just throwing her arms up and pushing me out of the chair towards the door. i tried flirting with my new penpal/friend, who is a skinhead from ecuador/queens, who listens to racist music, has lots of tattoos, and talks about blowing things up in the navy. he gives me lots of attention, which i need because lately i feel like i despise myself. he is blatantly sexual with me but non threatening at the same time.

none of it has worked though, in calming my poor little neurotic anxious as f*** head. must be the moon phase.

last week was great- i have been doing the things i want to do regardless of who goes with me or not. i went to see one of my favorite bands - cocorosie, with an old friend from years ago, in a huge warehouse in the city and we walked all over the meatpacking district together. i rode the train aboveground through brooklyn, to ride the cyclone in coney island, until i got whiplash. and i danced in the rain on the boardwalk with lots of puerto rican families and gangstas. one night i sat on the sidewalk with my friend tom sipping beers and listening to a jazzy pianist while seductive hipster boys slinked past like they were in a street fashion show. things flowed really well last week, i feel like i am balancing out my karma this week or something! i might need professional help!

i read a post about a girl who had gone wandering off alone into distant areas of indonesia, which has made my lust for travel reignite. globe trekker on tv as well. a plane ticket usually can cure most of my woes! but i have to go back to new hampshire next week for work so i can't skip off to anywhere fun til after....

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

stalking

i am oh so madly in love with crispin glover, whom i saw twice at his live show at IFC this past week. i wish he wasn't so famous so i could invite him to a drink and a chat. and then molest him.

that is all.

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