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balance (2): carpe diem (or a continuation of the last post)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

carpe diem (or a continuation of the last post)

whenever i decide to grab my life by the balls, things start getting better. i know this. but it's hard to squirm out of the sleepy little ruts you fall into... dreamy drugged shoulder shrugging internet addicted layabout that i am sometimes. i realized though that as much as i truly love some of the friends i have made here in williamsburg>brooklyn>ny, we are just different and kind of have to go our own ways for the most part. my nabe for instance gets all of his energy from other people, without so much introspection. i as an introvert get most of my energy from within, or at least via the active progression of my brain and life. others around me get drunk every night and make small talk, which is good and fun (racist jokes and disastrous dating anecdotes abound) but it only goes so far for me (aside from the fact that i am a grown up with a job). i have learned to get inspiration more from art, different cultures, learning new things, doing some sort of activity outdoors and worshiping nature, chilling out and smoking with unpretentious people... people who relate seem to be scarce here for some reason- i guess that is the rat race that is ny. or maybe i just haven't been able to get past the ones who are not like me yet.

i do feel very panicky at the thought of spending every waking breathing moment alone, with no one to cuddle or shoot the shit with. it has been a long time since i have felt any magic connection with someone, like i do more often when i am exploring. and i can't just pick up the first person who comes along (like some people ahem) because not that many people i am interested in come along here, especially when it comes to exchanging bodily fluids. am i closing people off somehow? i can't help wishing there was someone to just hang out with- & watch movies, listen to music, to practice getting better at sex with :). i feel like there is something wrong with me externally. social awkwardness for sure, but more than that. my nabe friend asked me a few days ago if i ever wondered if i was retarded and my family had just been telling me i was gifted all along (not that my family would ever do that), and i actually wondered if it might be true. i think i might be at least emotionally retarded. or i have a tic i don't notice, or some sort of dermal stain that's invisible in the mirror. i can't get a date with a normal guy to save my life, though i get yelled at appreciatively on the street quite a bit! i can't even meet a girl friend (or girlfriend) that i click with!

but i like my time to myself too. hanging with roark (the dog, with his snorts and snoring). yes at least there is a dog here to keep me company. and little ittie bittie kitties who moon up at me at the shelter (so cute!)... otherwise i am listening to fights outside my window between brooklyn gangsters and the nouveau whitebread hipsters. moderating petty squabbles between workmates online or fending off outright attacks. writhing with insomnia, desperately praying for a change followed by tortured dreams of moving on (!)... but i just need to expand my social circle a bit is all, and stop thinking the grass is greener elsewhere physically (despite, as my friend says, it's being piss-colored, which is the reality a lot of the time). breathe. overall my life is good. i have money rolling in (i'm on my way to being rich again, which was the main goal of coming back to ny), i am healthy (blah) and there is an abundance of stimulation on offer via the internet (rolls eyes)....sigh.

i do wish i had my own place with a yard. been trying to will one into existence (along with a lover who looks like christina aguilera in her pin up video or who has adrien brody's soulful eyes and handsome akwardness) but no dice. guess i will have to burn my ritual incense, chant spells and poke the sinister voodoo dolls i bought in new orleans a week or so ago (a fabulous short trip in which i spent the whole weekend in love with everything- sipping absinthe in the humid street, hearing old-timey jazz in an antique preacher house, watching parades of black families in their sunday best, photographing alligators nodding jovially as they chomp on tossed marshmallows in a paradisical swamp). besides social contact the thing i miss in ny is nature. i lived for years in my own house in the midst of startlingly gorgeous, lush nature in thailand (crazy rioting there of late btw, stupid thaksin) and moved to basically the confines of a slummy room in gritty ny, where half the time i work from my bed.

which leads me to the persistent and still unsolved question that is basically the theme of this blog- what makes a happy life? i think the answer is making where you are now happy, in the moment- i just have to figure out how to do it!

new orleans photos here



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