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balance (2): May 2010

Monday, May 31, 2010

freedom

listening to 'psychotic girl' by the black keys. spent the afternoon today watching films, hanging half in bed and half in the sun from the window, drinking fresh juice... one was about a psychotic woman who made me question my own sanity, which is always kind of off-putting to say the least. i recognized a certain desperation in myself, a certain aggressiveness (eep!). does every person wonder if they are psycho every now and then? hmm. but in the end i know what my problems are, and that is what differentiates me from the madwomen who don't control their impulses, i hope. i am pathologically nice to people (and strays) in an effort to not be ignored. and by pathologically i mean to my own detriment. i pay too much attention to those i love, and have few in the way of boundaries. but hey i succeed sometimes... i end up with people who love me back, as long as i am around anyway. the connections i have made in life are due to my being exactly who i am. (then again, so are the enemies). ugh who knows.

this is the end of an epic weekend of memorial day worship of being in NY in summer (cheers)! boating on the pond in central park. heiling hitler in the gangsta club into which we wandered oblivious one evening, where the dj kept insisting we throw our hands in the air. walking through the scattered streets of brooklyn after midnight, telling jokes and fending off drunk passers by. thoroughly enjoyed every minute of the last few days.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

carpe diem (or a continuation of the last post)

whenever i decide to grab my life by the balls, things start getting better. i know this. but it's hard to squirm out of the sleepy little ruts you fall into... dreamy drugged shoulder shrugging internet addicted layabout that i am sometimes. i realized though that as much as i truly love some of the friends i have made here in williamsburg>brooklyn>ny, we are just different and kind of have to go our own ways for the most part. my nabe for instance gets all of his energy from other people, without so much introspection. i as an introvert get most of my energy from within, or at least via the active progression of my brain and life. others around me get drunk every night and make small talk, which is good and fun (racist jokes and disastrous dating anecdotes abound) but it only goes so far for me (aside from the fact that i am a grown up with a job). i have learned to get inspiration more from art, different cultures, learning new things, doing some sort of activity outdoors and worshiping nature, chilling out and smoking with unpretentious people... people who relate seem to be scarce here for some reason- i guess that is the rat race that is ny. or maybe i just haven't been able to get past the ones who are not like me yet.

i do feel very panicky at the thought of spending every waking breathing moment alone, with no one to cuddle or shoot the shit with. it has been a long time since i have felt any magic connection with someone, like i do more often when i am exploring. and i can't just pick up the first person who comes along (like some people ahem) because not that many people i am interested in come along here, especially when it comes to exchanging bodily fluids. am i closing people off somehow? i can't help wishing there was someone to just hang out with- & watch movies, listen to music, to practice getting better at sex with :). i feel like there is something wrong with me externally. social awkwardness for sure, but more than that. my nabe friend asked me a few days ago if i ever wondered if i was retarded and my family had just been telling me i was gifted all along (not that my family would ever do that), and i actually wondered if it might be true. i think i might be at least emotionally retarded. or i have a tic i don't notice, or some sort of dermal stain that's invisible in the mirror. i can't get a date with a normal guy to save my life, though i get yelled at appreciatively on the street quite a bit! i can't even meet a girl friend (or girlfriend) that i click with!

but i like my time to myself too. hanging with roark (the dog, with his snorts and snoring). yes at least there is a dog here to keep me company. and little ittie bittie kitties who moon up at me at the shelter (so cute!)... otherwise i am listening to fights outside my window between brooklyn gangsters and the nouveau whitebread hipsters. moderating petty squabbles between workmates online or fending off outright attacks. writhing with insomnia, desperately praying for a change followed by tortured dreams of moving on (!)... but i just need to expand my social circle a bit is all, and stop thinking the grass is greener elsewhere physically (despite, as my friend says, it's being piss-colored, which is the reality a lot of the time). breathe. overall my life is good. i have money rolling in (i'm on my way to being rich again, which was the main goal of coming back to ny), i am healthy (blah) and there is an abundance of stimulation on offer via the internet (rolls eyes)....sigh.

i do wish i had my own place with a yard. been trying to will one into existence (along with a lover who looks like christina aguilera in her pin up video or who has adrien brody's soulful eyes and handsome akwardness) but no dice. guess i will have to burn my ritual incense, chant spells and poke the sinister voodoo dolls i bought in new orleans a week or so ago (a fabulous short trip in which i spent the whole weekend in love with everything- sipping absinthe in the humid street, hearing old-timey jazz in an antique preacher house, watching parades of black families in their sunday best, photographing alligators nodding jovially as they chomp on tossed marshmallows in a paradisical swamp). besides social contact the thing i miss in ny is nature. i lived for years in my own house in the midst of startlingly gorgeous, lush nature in thailand (crazy rioting there of late btw, stupid thaksin) and moved to basically the confines of a slummy room in gritty ny, where half the time i work from my bed.

which leads me to the persistent and still unsolved question that is basically the theme of this blog- what makes a happy life? i think the answer is making where you are now happy, in the moment- i just have to figure out how to do it!

new orleans photos here


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Sunday, May 2, 2010

elusive in ny so far (or love letter to potential companion humanites)

dear luck/dream/travel/acquaintance fairy:

please please bring me another reclusive voyeur with eccentric ideas and good music tastes. who preferably makes good hash cupcakes and who likes to just hang out and muse- in the parks, under the bridges & in the galleries. or who can teach me how to ride a bike or show me where to roller skate around in williamsburg. who is open to the concept of a road trip together in the summer. who can influence my writing or filmmaking skills or indulge the science nerd in me. who doesn't talk too much (or understands if i don't!) and can listen, or doesn't have to always be around too many others at once (because the conversations are so confusing, as is trying to figure out the approaches of people you just met who all know each other but not you, because you are a perpetual new girl who is part untrusting misanthrope ... phew! a little neurotic social anxiety i have i think too. but overall i am a chill and happy gal!!!)...

oh fairy send me a human who is possibly asexual for now, because i can't figure out which of my bi tastes i am following up on at the mo, but who is unafraid and can express their tastes in a way i cannot (they can maybe teach me that too). who is not scared of my general oddity. who has a real job and enough money to do something nice now and then and that wants to appreciate life and culture as much as they can before death (adventures are hard for me to initiate but i love them and am up for the ride). who realizes there is a future to think about and therefore planning and the nudging each other out of apathy or laziness or vices or unnecessary meanness. who likes to communicate in writing(!). who has a bit of damage and can relate. who is funny and expressive, and who likes to fuck or trip or dream or live- do! and tell! who is genuinely nice and unpretentious (who needs the drama, hipsters) and who appreciates that my sense of humor is observant rather than active, but is definitely there and loving. who doesn't mind if i analyze them to death because that is what i do reflexively. who doesn't confuse it with judging (nabe you totally understand)....send me more people who get me i guess. or who are at least willing to find things to do with me outside the weekly sodden barhops. and who will allow me to be myself and rescue them from themselves at times.

i have met several nice people in williamsburg who are entertaining, if not affectionate- or maybe young and don't understand or don't care how important making real connections are yet, and who probably don't understand that i love them one by one and am not particularly social ( quality over quantity- yeah?). but going out to meet these folks entails drinking too much and i am an idiot sometimes when drunk, who gets wiped out by hangovers the next day and thus can't do yoga (grr), and i am someone who has a problem controlling that drinking vice because it opens so many social doors- but should probably drop out. i am also a gal who feels almost inappropriately close to people i meet & like instantly, but i don't understand how to change that into something of a verbal nature with people, and a resulting history (on top of the general difficulty of weeding through of options, usually of a sexual nature). i would like to admonish you kiddies that it's important not to judge too quickly- i spank myself for that too. i just know i need more open and down to earth connections- mercilessly honest. also relaxed, introspective, philosophical, passionate- in addition to fun and hilarious and sloppy curiousity and mischief!!!

someone must fit some of these traits here- i have found shadows in a couple of people individually here who might understand, but haven't been able to extract them in flesh, from the group. they forget me immediately for more externally interesting partygoers.

(if you are reading this, fess up or give references, and feel free to send me your own list of wishes ...i admit to ridiculous and obsessive idealism- maybe even self obsession and a sense of entitlement. but i love pretty much everyone. if you think i hate you i don't.... and don't be offended if i drop back and watch at times. but don't be afraid to coaxe me out!)

oh yeah and fairy- i would like one of the new japanese instant cameras, a gramophone and scratched records (gonna hit up the old music men on the streetcorner in new orleans next weekend if i can find them and have the guts). i also want a bigger apartment in brooklyn, with large windows and walls to hang art up in, and some outdoor space i can turn into a lush sanctuary in which i can approximate nature and seduce people with tea and films and my silly impromptu paranormal research. oh, and an old ice cream truck i can restore and scare little kiddies from on my way to cuddle animals at the shelter.

...thanks fairy my friend, i owe you favors in whatever form you choose!

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