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balance (2): meaning

Monday, January 25, 2010


i don't know if i can really put into words what is going on with me right now. i think that with my solitary lifestyle i have more opportunity for introspection than most people, and i am digging deep despite my normally repressed self at the moment, so deep that i am lost. i don't even recognize me right now.

i feel physically and mentally the best i have felt in years. i just finished my few days of fasting, detoxing, and cleaning out the ol' pipes in my wonderland getaway (i will spare you the gory details of self-administered colonics and the laxative and liver flush drinks i had to choke down daily. it was a paradisical time on my lush ex-island home otherwise, i'll leave it at that). this is probably the closest to newborn i will ever be again physically. as cheesy and cliché as it seems, i feel high on life! and i have always been the last person to be susceptible to self discipline of any sort, ever since i made a pact with myself in my junior year of high school (when most aspects of my life had hit the fan), that i was not going to deny myself anything that i wanted from then on... but i think i am finding that what i want has changed! and the discipline makes me feel good, and alive!

i have avoided meeting or talking to many people on this trip to thailand in an effort not to taint my small self discovery. the funny thing about this place is that not only is it ridiculously easy to meet new people (basically i just have to sit somewhere in public and people traipse up to me, making me wonder why people in NY are so uptight and closed off?), but it actually gets to the point where it is annoying after awhile! i find myself dissuading people from sitting down with me, to avoid getting stuck in conversation with someone like the naive, co-dependent korean package tourist who was my verbose bus partner this morning, who gushed about her businessman husband and american icons such as whitney houston, oprah winfrey, and her infatuation with the 'twilight' series (rolls eyes). i amused myself by shocking her with glimpses of my piercings and tattoos (i'm such a bad girl!) and subversive stories of my experiences in the red light district in bangkok... but i am not so into the tourists, blushing with youth and fickle idealism, cute as they are. they are of course transient by nature, and as i have said many times, i have no use for acquaintanceships. plus staying long time in a country that is rife with these revolving door clones (yes i know i am one too at times) sort of makes you averse, since inevitably you have the same conversation ad infinitum (where are you from? where are you going? how long are you here etc.), with nothing ultimately learned or gained from the patter. i am happy to meet expats and locals, like the nice taxi driver i had on my way back from trat to the airport to catch my flight to bangkok (i managed an entire hour of conversation exclusively in thai! most of which was trying to break it to him that if he wants a foreign girlfriend like me, he probably should not divulge the information that he is married with children to her right off the bat!)... if people with the potential to be longer term friends make the effort with me, i am happy to learn them. but overall, for once i am preferring, even embracing my solitude, and enjoying the peace and harmony that i feel in my balmy adopted home. i think i am finally resigning myself to not being one of those people who has a stable and nurturing set of kindred spirits around me, and i am feeling ok with that, content with my own company, with the prospect of a future alone. i am pretty good company, after all. :)

i also am realizing, with my return to lush nature, that i want to find something in life that is more satisfying, inspiring, and entertaining than the bottom of a bottle, or the stub of a joint (not that i will ever be totally averse to either, but i am finding that i appreciate things more when i take space from them). & more and more, i am aching to exist in a place that is close to the earth again, and live a more organic and free lifestyle in general. have a little farmhouse, open a bed and breakfast or a coffee shop. something quaint and quiet and warm, which i can run into my old age. with animals around, and children (though not my own, thanks... i am not changing that much), and friendly neighbors- am i contradicting myself? someplace where i can write a book, and not feel constantly on the run trying to evade the corporate rat race, existing by the skin of my teeth (though ultimately pretty comfortably, if i do say so myself.) i growing up?

i had that idyllic life once in thailand. you readers don't know much about it because i stopped writing at the time- when i am content i am usually more inclined to live life than write about it. but my taste of that happiness was fleeting because thailand, as much as i adore it, is not the right place for me, long term. it's too volatile, too ingenuine. too mystifying a culture. too dangerous for someone who is obstinately true to her moralistic values and unsophisticatedly straightforward in her speech. i am realizing that here too now, and it is sort of a bittersweet feeling. it's the same feeling you have when you are in a relationship with someone whom you truly love, but you know you are not compatible enough with, despite that love, to have a real future together. but there is a huge wide world out there, even within my own country, and somewhere is the right place for me (somewhere near the coast!). and i will never completely put thailand behind me- this country (this hemisphere!) and i are hopelessly entertwined for life.

i do know that NY is not the place for me either. i knew this before, years ago, despite my sophmoric crush on the city... but i guess i just forgot. NY is a trophy spouse. it looks good on paper. there seems to be more opportunity there, but in reality i am thinking there is less, for what i really want out of life. NY is a place where hard up, you turn tricks for cash, you hustle "the man". NY is digging through the swamp of pretension for your golden ticket out of there, to real life somewhere else. there is no me in NY, even when i am in NY. there is only the shell of me doing time. (or at least it feels that way, this time around.)

still, life is what you make it, so i am hoping to change that, at least in this interim phase i am in, between my failed utopia and my future one. i am hoping a healthy lifestyle and another sloughing off of people who don't have the same priorities as i do and who drag me down (i really don't think i need anyone!) will help me to find my way there again, with more of a solid foundation.

meanwhile, i don't need to worry about it, as i am off to lounge about in the voyeur's dream, the tantalizing, enlightening city of sin in the philippines (angeles) to visit my favorite sinner, 'x', on the morrow. yay for the continuation of this much needed break!


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