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balance (2): love

Wednesday, January 13, 2010


i am standing here on the divider line between my two lovers- NY and thailand. again. chilling for now in the comfort, knowing that i have made a commitment to one, but happy to go breathe in the other... i am a cheating bitch! will my second lover even accept me? or will s(he) spit me out for back-stabbing him/her as i just did to my sister-friend in london.

hmmm. the mean streets of brooklyn. i had a difficult interview at an agency( TM) today when i forgot i had sworn them off. it was nice though. an old loft under the bridge in the yuppie art district that is DUMBO. i am sure if i looked hard enough there would be a porsche or something cheesy. they are such snobs in their little factories. extroverted in their creative fashion, as long as they stay within the lines- LOL! i admit (though i don't feel superior, just averse) to me agencies are “the man”. i want a company that appreciates my skillsets and doesn’t have to meet about it all day long. clients I can make cool intranets for. i like to be proud of my hand-offs instead of my sales skills. i don’t want to sell my soul to their larger conglomeration. AND (rant) i can't help think that if they aren't willing to work with me the way i do best, they can't be too creative (right?!). as long as the end outcome is done well (which i ensure) it will all be ok.... but the truth is, they just have different kinds of projects than the ones i like, and theirs involve a lot of marketing and codependent collaboration- things i tend to abhor in my analytical haze. i always get nervous and twitch around these people (in their outfits that make me feel like i crawled out of a hole). they are so aesthetically pleasing, intelligent and eloquent, and i am sure good at what they do too... but i simply don't fit in amongst them. i am an entrepreneur, if an unfocused one. and i do have a good network, the people in it are just unpredictable. i will bravely forge ahead and keep trying to squeeze blood from zombified stone-people, aghast at media headlines of doom!

but years ago 'x' and i flew to amsterdam and spent all our remaining money (except a couple of months' worth) frolicking in heat and sin. and came back to the states, in a recession. we interviewed all the live long day to no avail with any companies. first we lived with a frazzled eccentric art lady aqcuaintance in her carriage house across the river from the french quarter in louisiana, where i slung jambalaya to tourists along with the black mamas (john waters came in once). the art lady kicked us out when she caught me sneaking in to her side of the place to do laundry. after that we had to live in a couple of very dingy and scary residence hotels in san francisco's crack alley (6th and market) and the tenderloin. even in portland oregon. there would be snot on the walls, men peeing in sinks. weird junkies and mentally ill. people from some stank cafeteria brought us food in one (were we in a homeless shelter and 'x' forgot to tell me maybe?) hmmmmmmm. i was so young and we were so poor and enslaved by our love of travel i guess! we worked as customer support for phone lines, and at one job, with AT&T, we had to actually raise our hand and ask permission to get out of line and go to the bathroom. i made it only one day and quit, said no more, went back to the laptop and started learning, and 'x' bravely fought on for a couple more days. we split a subway sandwich with the last of our money before real jobs appeared.'s all blurry now- but these memories give me pause. i have no idea what i would do if i came back to the US and had to move to those streets again, without 'x'. i would probably die ranting, picking lice out of my hair and blubbering while a redneck bangs on the flimsy door for his rent. i would not have any idea what to do without 'x's protection and guidance. i don't want to be there ever again, period.

ha- give me a cure for anxiety! tell me i am ok! these are the thoughts i have. especially when i am alone and about to travel! thank said lordy for the friends i do have! that is why i feel like i have to fly to see them!

the other night i dreamt (no shit) that i was in a rubber raft with a bunch of people, that was sinking, into deep water with a live snake in it. i was trying to get back to land from an island because all my credit cards were stolen when i was mugged and i had no longer my identity. eep!

i have always been ok, since i have been totally on my own... because i am smart and i do a really good job at what i do... i just get soooooooooo scared with no backup that it will take a long time to find someone i am compatible with again. my jobs are like relationships. they have to understand me and the way i work a little. i am introverted in an extroverted world. i run wider than the rat race. i want to yell at them trust me!!!!!!! think different, isn't that what they are spouting in there?! i just need to find the right match.

if any of you get a chance/are bored download and watch beautiful losers. and style wars… movies about the old subway graffiti/b-boy/ street art scene in NY. and man on wire- where this french artist guy watches the twin towers being built, and then does stunts on them! and a really great movie called good dick about a sad girl who is just like me (except rich). & of course the british comedies galore (mighty boosh season 2 last episode)…. sigh. this is my life. I finally turned off cable tv and started building my own network of download sites in lieu.

...well meanwhile, since i have to wait around for my next contract to magically appear as usual, if my karma is behaving (not sure!!!), i could go stock up on medicines, important things from storage, explore my best pal's art cave in the middle of a brothel, and drench myself in sunny sun sun for 2 weeks? is that bad?

i'm super cool right?


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