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balance (2): blah

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

blah

occasionally there is a dark day. where you can't get any work done. drink too much coffee trying to erase mad dreams and sit shivering. spill out too much of yourself online in anonymous forums, realizing you sound like a creep by association with the people in some of your narrated lives. feel completely blase about the impending future of same old shit. bored with the people around you for being half alive. annoyed with the guy you like for not getting you at all. revolted at the thought of any conversation with your pathetic room mate. not stimulated by anything and just want to go back to bed.

eep!

so let's find something nice to talk about here. hmmm. my room is sunny. :) which masks the nature-less winter outside. i have downloaded good new music (though i have to say i have been steadily unimpressed by most music since the early 90s). had more raunchy online conversations on message boards with my invisible friends (this time about crazy exes- i really should compile all my stories in one place because i always win for most exciting). i am seeing more the value of facebook as sort of an interactive blog. i think i will specialize in building social network sites (pretty much have already) because i love it....

um.... my beloved (skinny white skater boy) nabe was really nice to me the other day, though hopefully not to get in my pants (the thought of sex makes me want to vomit in fear at the mo). i wrote a sappy post about it in case you missed it but deleted it promptly because i looked like a sucker. i will devour and choke on the first person to be nice to me so i have to control myself....

i am planning a trip back to thailand in jan. though i don't really want to go because i am still mad at the whole country for being so double-sided all the time. but then i think of my new cute girly bikini just come in the mail, of spectacular green fluffy island hammock days, long dark massages with incense and oils, and being the spectator of a maddeningly brilliant street circus. ((but then i get anxious (as i always do before i travel) and think about all the horrible things that can happen in such a dangerous land.)) anyway warmth and freedom will be great even if i have to enjoy it alone because i am too proud to go back to my island and admit i love my enemies. :) but perhaps i will be adventurous and cut out early to borneo or such so as not to waste a trip....

i wish i had a ball to go to for christmas, that would be fun, though digging up a dress and heels would be too much of a magnificent feat at this point (been living out of a backpack for years with exception of that short time in bangkok where i dated an actor and was on guestlists at clubs with my posh sister-friend 'y').... a very interesting guy sent me an invitation to an ice skating ball, and i have a feeling it would be great fun but i couldn't accept because he was unattractive to me. then i felt shallow for awhile and wanted to kick myself, but what do you do?...

i forced myself to venture out into hipsterdom yesterday and met an amazing woman who trimmed the back of my hair (too short). she was a tattoed pin up rocker girl business woman who asked what my sign was and make me giggle and gawk in awe. she was all that i aspire to and fail to be aesthetically. (i don't know where i get this inferiority complex of late but i can assure you it is mostly exterior.)


my new (old) hair

i wish i had some decadent stories of sex and drugs to share with you like slutever, but i realized my blog has never been that honest, even when i was having sex and imbibing drugs. (that's what happens when you live in a country one step away from china in it's censorship laws, and have an audience who stalks you at times).

what more is there to talk about? mostly i am just sitting around wishing i was amongst spontaneous travellers again and hanging in there until i am. i guess you can look at this as a trip report- a "what it's like to come back 'home'" one, see similarly boring previous example in 2004.

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