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balance (2): December 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009


today in my NY cave i miss decadence. slick highways seeming to slither languidly ahead. the emerald elegance of absinthe melting sugar into a spoon, and long white fingers pressing clove cigarettes to red lips. tiptoeing out to gritty basement clubs and dancing with abandon to bruised and rageful music. i miss painting on glitter and black eyeliner and latex, and dancing pressed up against strangers, inhaling as deeply as possible and closing my eyes for more honesty, just feeling other souls without words. or holding the hand of a twin and twisting through mazes of daunting flash parties propped up by proud transsexual hookers, crippled by broken poets crooning into mikes or videotaping the heartbreak of their swaying muses. artists transforming the world in front of them so that you can almost but not quite touch. i miss beautiful boys with thick lips, hair that falls into their face, and hurt eyes who make you chase them for a kiss. girls with dark hair flipped over creamy shoulders and curvy shadows whispering secrets behind them. dangerous figures luring with convoluted and brilliant word games, or just quirks to devour from the peripheral. i miss casually tucking bills into the pockets of people who bring sensual and gastronomical delights and present them to you as if you are divine, or who service you well and satisfy the hungry orphan that was never hugged inside you. i miss swallowing drugs that spin you into the stratosphere and feel like pure fuzzy love, and tickle you with lights as you converse with the earth and caress it in gratitude. i miss journeys to places that surround you with warm exotic beauty, the wallowing in spice and mystery and passion. i miss speeding off into the unknown and wondering if i will be rejected, humiliated, lost or killed, or just have a wild story to tell. not having a backup plan otherwise except to placate my ambitious ego.... but all in all laying myself out without restraint for love and magic and beauty to find, if it is feeling kind.

years ago at the exotic erotic ball in san francisco

Saturday, December 19, 2009


well despite the obvious advice that i should stay in one place and make more of a life for myself here in NY, it is snowing buckets here today and so i bought a spontaneous ticket to go see my friend in london for the holidays. so there. and in mid-jan, i will be back in asia for a few weeks. my wanderlust can not be denied!!!!

but i will try and calm down in the spring. ;)

Friday, December 18, 2009


okay here is something interesting about my life. in my country (maybe all countries?), i am not like many people at all. i am a black sheep all the way. i didn't stay in one place long enough as a youth to make lifelong friends. my family was so nuts that i ran away from them as fast as i could at 15 (though i do love my younger siblings via facebook). i didn't finish college- opting instead to educate myself online rather than get into any more excruciating debt than it had already caused. i didn't get married, because i was stupidly (but happily) dating someone who should have been just a friend for many years (but he is my soulmate in so many ways!), in addition to the fact that my mother's many marriages made me cynical. never dated many people. sex is not a big deal to me, it's been a bad thing for a lot of my life so i can take or leave it. i get too scared of the vulnerability inherent in it. i have never wanted kids (sort of repress that whole sexual, fertile bleeding woman side of myself). but am sort of stuck in a childlike romantic haze anyway and fall in love with everyone instantly because i love to analyze human behavior, so the more twisted the better sometimes.... (which of these girls is not like the others?)

AND i have been travelling in different cultures amongst not only totally different-thinking locals of whatever locale I am in, but also travelling people from other cultures- who have entirely different boundaries and priorities and daily experiences than those people who stay in one place in their own culture. travelling people are open to meeting new people, instantly judging their connection with them as good or bad, and following the good ones (aligning lives even) on whatever spontaneous adventure presents itself and contributes to a good story and a good day, whether that is beautiful natural & geographic viewing day trips, interesting people & cultural education, art/music exploration in any form, some physical activity, convoluted conversations, relaxation, and yes even drugs (or buckets of alcohol in thailand) and sex (i have never been totally celibate or asexual). it's like an instant set of those good friends that everyone else has, just more speedy and trusting in the intimacy department.

so i am realizing that the source of a lot of my social problems in life in one spot (presently NY) stem from my just having this totally different life experience to which people can't relate. (note: this in no way infers superiority, which is also a problem, because when i tell people my life stories they tend to think i am crazy or bragging, but they are all true!). and i expect them to understand me when they are making lists of presents for and making jokes with old friends, talking to their parents on the phone about dinner, debating futile local politics or gossiping about vapid celebrities from home (ok i did that a bit in thailand). hugging or screeching at their spouse or kids (or college girl friend). when they do go out it is with no less than 12 people to a place they can't hear themselves talk and get too drunk. they have possessions, pets, jobs they go to every day and people they are constantly excusing themselves to talk to (via whatever means of communication since we are bombarded by them now) with inside jokes. that is all great for them, i am just DIFFERENT! & sometimes, at the risk of being called a drama queen, i am like "see meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" "love meeeeee!"... not to mention it takes guts to reach into that pool of (mostly resistant) strangers and bug a few of them long enough until they will allow you into their established lives a little and be your friend or (wishful thinking) go on a date and let you get to know each other!

i hope at least my readership understands this.

i had the same problem staying in one place too long in thailand. my experience and understanding of and reaction to things were all contrary to the culture i was living in (and even strange for my own culture). and as i communicate better in writing, it was hard to get myself across. so i ended up having misunderstandings with these different people, which always caused a domino effect down the line of people they knew or were related to. and me with no dominos of my own! so i felt crazy all the time, like an alien! and the two types of people I would meet would be the spontaneous fun travelers (my people!!!) or those who tended towards expatdom, and whose many social friends and family would soon be visiting, and thus were sort of potential misunderstandings and distractions as well, simply because my life has been so different. sigh!!!!

i don't know if the key is to find more stability and learn it, or forget about it and fly away???! but when i think of the good friends i have made in life i suppose it is because i was someplace long enough for them to know me a little and vice versa. and if there is one thing i miss in my life it is my good friends.... BUT as they are all scattered about the world now, i should focus on where i am now. right? if anyone will be patient with me and show me how ;).

here is a cheesy picture to illustrate my wanderlust ;)

addendum: x's typical response to this post was that i sound like a little self obsessed snob. but if anything i am hoping to see if anyone can understand/relate to me in my (honest!) current position and give advice on whether they think i should stay put or run free. :) feedback appreciated...

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009


occasionally there is a dark day. where you can't get any work done. drink too much coffee trying to erase mad dreams and sit shivering. spill out too much of yourself online in anonymous forums, realizing you sound like a creep by association with the people in some of your narrated lives. feel completely blase about the impending future of same old shit. bored with the people around you for being half alive. annoyed with the guy you like for not getting you at all. revolted at the thought of any conversation with your pathetic room mate. not stimulated by anything and just want to go back to bed.


so let's find something nice to talk about here. hmmm. my room is sunny. :) which masks the nature-less winter outside. i have downloaded good new music (though i have to say i have been steadily unimpressed by most music since the early 90s). had more raunchy online conversations on message boards with my invisible friends (this time about crazy exes- i really should compile all my stories in one place because i always win for most exciting). i am seeing more the value of facebook as sort of an interactive blog. i think i will specialize in building social network sites (pretty much have already) because i love it....

um.... my beloved (skinny white skater boy) nabe was really nice to me the other day, though hopefully not to get in my pants (the thought of sex makes me want to vomit in fear at the mo). i wrote a sappy post about it in case you missed it but deleted it promptly because i looked like a sucker. i will devour and choke on the first person to be nice to me so i have to control myself....

i am planning a trip back to thailand in jan. though i don't really want to go because i am still mad at the whole country for being so double-sided all the time. but then i think of my new cute girly bikini just come in the mail, of spectacular green fluffy island hammock days, long dark massages with incense and oils, and being the spectator of a maddeningly brilliant street circus. ((but then i get anxious (as i always do before i travel) and think about all the horrible things that can happen in such a dangerous land.)) anyway warmth and freedom will be great even if i have to enjoy it alone because i am too proud to go back to my island and admit i love my enemies. :) but perhaps i will be adventurous and cut out early to borneo or such so as not to waste a trip....

i wish i had a ball to go to for christmas, that would be fun, though digging up a dress and heels would be too much of a magnificent feat at this point (been living out of a backpack for years with exception of that short time in bangkok where i dated an actor and was on guestlists at clubs with my posh sister-friend 'y').... a very interesting guy sent me an invitation to an ice skating ball, and i have a feeling it would be great fun but i couldn't accept because he was unattractive to me. then i felt shallow for awhile and wanted to kick myself, but what do you do?...

i forced myself to venture out into hipsterdom yesterday and met an amazing woman who trimmed the back of my hair (too short). she was a tattoed pin up rocker girl business woman who asked what my sign was and make me giggle and gawk in awe. she was all that i aspire to and fail to be aesthetically. (i don't know where i get this inferiority complex of late but i can assure you it is mostly exterior.)

my new (old) hair

i wish i had some decadent stories of sex and drugs to share with you like slutever, but i realized my blog has never been that honest, even when i was having sex and imbibing drugs. (that's what happens when you live in a country one step away from china in it's censorship laws, and have an audience who stalks you at times).

what more is there to talk about? mostly i am just sitting around wishing i was amongst spontaneous travellers again and hanging in there until i am. i guess you can look at this as a trip report- a "what it's like to come back 'home'" one, see similarly boring previous example in 2004.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


holy crap! look at this. someone has already done my marketing for me! ;P

and according to the urban dictionary:

"elocin - 1 definition - The drug of choice when you are feeling depressed."

Monday, December 7, 2009

now (again)

So far what I have learned via my latest psychological spelunking (which I have loved since birth) is that with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which is apparently useful for every type of psychological disorder or general bad feeling, is that talking positively to yourself to change it doesn’t work. (I learned this before, when I recorded myself saying I was gonna win the lottery over and over and played it while I was sleeping :) ). You also have to believe what you are saying, so you shoot for realism in talking to yourself… What do you reasonably think you deserve and can expect, without too much of a lean towards good or bad? It teaches you to balance your thoughts a bit. Not to exaggerate the badness and fear in situations because you know it is always there in life, but so is the good stuff…. Basically same thing I learned in Thailand with yoga- go with the flow, breathe. Buddhism. The “Secret”!!!!! It’s all one lesson! & it’s starting to work, a little. :) Yay! Just gotta relax.

I went with my friend to a burlesque show, the other night. :) It was pretty skanky (compared to the classy one with champagne in a classic theater in Denver, with L)… don’t know what he (H) thought. It was in this dirty old basement loft in Chinatown. Drinks in a cooler type of thing. But it was kind of funny. They mixed it with theater (a Christmas Carol, twisted of course), and there were debutante girls, Japanese artist boys and Jewish professors in the audience, and half naked boys in wigs. It was the first snow too (but mostly rain). We took a cab over the bridge home and watched the city out the window. Got home and joked with his roommates while listening to vinyl. Played with his fishtanks and looked at hydra porn on youtube (nerds! I never knew I had it in me!) …But then it felt too much like a brother-sister thing so I excused myself. Still fun!

I am loving work. Busy-ness helps me not be so reclusive. It’s weird though, my mind spins so fast in organizing things, then at the end I fly off into space… I need calm. The trip to White Plains is cold and stressful, but people there think I am smart and I have my own little office, that I go to via train once a week (so far). It takes forever but I get to feel like I am travelling- with my newspaper and breakfast. I eat dinner in Grand Central station amongst the beautiful buskers whom I wish I could round up and record in some fashion, homeless men snarling nonsensically, beedy eyed police and businessmen…. Then I walk home from the train to the bus again to my many ‘mates, through my little neighborhood of sickeningly white, rich, goodlooking young people who don’t talk to or have sex with me, walking their dogs in their contrived outfits… and the nice foreign workers that serve them (and me). And I have dreams of birds and lizards that I won’t bore you with. (i know these posts tend to get repetitive when i am working out stuff in my head.)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

stream of consciousness

smoking pot is beneficial to me, more so than anything else i have tried. i think someone should study me to prove it, and help make it legal. it makes me in the mood to slow down, breathe, exercise. pick out the good things in situations. (i should probably move to cali where it is more or less legal these days- owning a little general pot store in some small california town- doesn’t that sound dreamy?)…. weed might be a cure for serious depression, but i haven’t been able to focus long enough to even smoke it lately. which is very abnormal for me. i can’t even remember to breathe! or sleep half the time!

kittens are fuzzy and calm me down too though. some of them are mean to me when I clean out their cages but i like to fight with them, like siblings (at the animal shelter nestled amongst the big warehouses on the water). a mama cat had 5 little sticky newborns this morning in her cage, that kind of freaked me out. i gossiped with the black lady in overalls there who for some reason is named jason. the asian nerdy guy stuffing envelopes and cleaning puppies is too scared to talk to me now because i rejected his overtures on facebook (but I know about his girlfriend, duh, and the last thing i want is another asian guy right now)…

i incite a lot of arguments otherwise online by being blunt. i have been accused of being aggressive. has a section called AMA (“i am a…” slut, cryptkeeper, whatever- ask me anything… ). you ask them questions about themselves and they try to answer them all honestly (anonymously). i am tempted to do one about myself but i don’t know exactly how much to tell (“i am a fucking weirdo, AMA?”). but today we discussed seeing dead bodies, which was enlightening…

i have a hangover from drinking with a shameless drama queen i met online. it’s nice to meet someone who is, at least in her head, in a worse position than me overall. she’s a lot more normal than i am in reality- a fairly well-adjusted, but neurotic NY native lawyer who is unemployed and milks it. my male friends here in the neighborhood, with whom i would sneak late night drinks before, have all gotten girlfriends and dropped off, so she’s good timing- i still have one person to help me get away from my neurotic assed, ruminating self! it was kind of boring though without boys to flirt with (girls are dumb), so i got too drunk thinking about it. i realized i treat boys all as brothers or sons so they don’t want to sleep with me. i just like to play with them, like children. i would love to have someone hot to kiss, but am not too hung up on it.

when i am not daydreaming about that i pick through my refrigerator and hum, or surf the net for obscure somethings to pass around to people… & i am working a lot on my bed, with music from my laptop on it’s little bed desk, and my dogmate itching and staring at me until i yell at him. i love my job. except that i have to take the train upstate in the cold tomorrow and deal with people in person, hoping they can’t smell the stink of reclusivity on me. but i will get a newspaper and look out the windows on the way there. and hope life throws me a magic bone on the train. & at least it’s only once a week!... i made a cool little intranet page to keep track, and have already got my first paycheck….

christmas trees are up now, and for sale on the street. it's cold enough to see my breath. union square has a cool holiday market attached to the farmer’s market now, with lots of hipster hats for sale and tempting art. i want to collect old tools and antique instruments (of surgery and torture!) but it seems like such an effort to find them here- the city makes me lazy. oh... i watch holiday specials i haven’t seen in my 8 or so years in thailand. dr. seuss, national lampoon’s. charlie brown. nostalgic and much better than celebrating the birthday of a king in a brainwashed country, with blind fanatic worshipful gestures, and no snow! (ugh thailand!- but then when you think about it isn't the christian idea of christmas quite the same?) my roommate wants to get a tree. i might go ice skating. i might order myself a little present from santy claus.

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