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balance (2): i'm baaaack!

Friday, November 13, 2009

i'm baaaack!

.... from the midst of an existential crises of massive proportions, which still hasn't quite dissipated. let's just say that coming back to the states (NY in particular) after so many years overseas, alone, during a horrid recession, in the impending winter, with no friends or family around and a general feeling of disillusionment... it's not easy. i spend way too much time wrestling with old demons, feeling alienated (because truth be told, no one around me seems to be able to relate to my life at all), and resigning myself to reclusive abasement in my room in an attempt to save cash so that i don't end up on the street (can't spend freely as i have for years)..... it all came to a head last week and i ended up googling the recipe for that suicide gas that is all the rage in japan (see here and more interesting methods here). luckily i am far too wimpy to ever take any petulant and self destructive tendencies that far. and really far too optimistic, when it comes down to it. it's just a matter of riding this unpredictable wave of the past year or so. thank 'god' i am out of tramadols (my favorite and dangerously irresistable escape drug).

i wrote down what i can remember of my various tumultuous lives and it's a whopper of a list. from that i have considered starting a new and therapeutic writing project which is autobiographical. but my (real) life is a bit overwhelming in one shot, i have to gradually ease people into the truths of it, to avoid shock and horror and the recoiling of people who thought they had me pinpointed. not sure i am ready to be so honest. and also not yet able to find a cohesive moral or point to the story. maybe it is yet to be revealed....

until then i am wallowing in writer's block. at least i am starting to meet new people (having already had unfortunate drama with at least one adulterous liar, but i guess it reminded me that people are people everywhere). i haven't encountered "my people" yet, who were so accessible in my travels.... but i am also getting a decent amount of work to counteract the terrifying spiraling down of my savings balance. and i spend a lot of time zombified in front of tv series on dvd- having added to my library 'dexter', 'bored to death', and the 'mighty boosh' (the latter being a rare and hilarious british comedy). these at least create the illusion that i am having meaningful interactions with society... oh, and when i start to get too crazy i head over to the animal shelter and pet baby animals.


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