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balance (2): November 2009

Friday, November 27, 2009


thanksgiving is a time to give thanks to the lord for all our food rather than to the indians who taught us to plant said food and then were all slaughtered unceremoniously by our ancestors.... human nature is ugly.

i planned a humble first thanksgiving in the states for years sitting in bed with reheated food and watching a charlie brown special, but thankfully a little magic crept in last minute and changed my plans for me.

wednesday night my i-am-realizing-new-best-friend, tum (from thailand), and his sweetly naive little girlfriend invited me to their staff party at a snazzy restaurant called 'sea', in my 'hood. free drinks and food, didn't take long to convince me. it left me totally disoriented though since everything and everyone was thai! i might as well have been in thailand- little thai bands, the same bangkok yuppies who infest all the good clubs in bangkok, eating thai food and speaking thai. the weird thing was that unlike most of the thais i meet in thailand, they all ignored me. :/ i guess i am not a novelty in NY! tum kept telling me how smart and sexy i was and how all the boys were stupid not to snatch me up, which was nice of him, and the party was otherwise fun. there were enough little latin american kiddos running around with funny bowl cuts that i didn't go into shock feeling like an alien. i spent the night gossiping over mojitos and crab cakes with pui (the girlfriend), and poking tum in his beer gut.

me and tum about 8 years ago in bangkok

me and tum now in NY

the next day my danish roommate, whose family has been visiting, making it 6 people and a huge dog in our little apartment, announced she was going to make a traditional thanksgiving dinner for us all. my other roommate and i raised our eyebrows at each other behind her back. but we stocked up on bottles of wine and pumpkin pies, and chatted all afternoon while she cooked. a nice old bachelor man came over and talked my ear off as we sipped wine and ate hors d'oeuvres. he was sweet and safe, and was able to give me the gossip from the old loft building i lived in when i was here 8 years ago. we toasted each other in danish and my roommate got embarassingly drunk and made us laugh by forcing the dog to wear a birthday hat and play dead (?). i didn't check my phone or internet once! it felt like the idealized family gathering that i have never had but have been missing. i am totally grateful to my roommates for pulling me out of my shell.

the downfall was the evening. my supercool mostly famous free-spirited global hitchhiking friend kat drove down from her new farmhouse upstate and invited me to meet her at a party at her other friend's ridiculously beautiful and packed with artists loft, not far from my house. i texted her that i don't do well with big parties full of strangers, and that it wasn't the best venue for a catch up (we haven't seen each for a couple of years) but that i would stop by and say hi anyway. kat is really amazing and i have looked up to her since i have known her, as she has the life i want (been around the world a gazillion times over and has more adventures than anyone else i know). we were close at one point (in fact we actually used to make out even). but the last couple of times i have seen her, she has been really different. now hanging out with her is my nodding quietly as she lists her many accomplishments. her eyes dart about when i talk to her, every five minutes we are interrupted by "fans" who come up to greet her, and i feel like she is subtly insulting me with things she is saying. i feel sad at the loss of whatever connection we once had, since she really has inspired me in so many ways, but long story short she made me feel really bad last night. she wasn't even at the party when i got there, and the room was full of people sitting down and eating. the only place for me to stand was right in the middle of the room, alone and obviously hovering and confused. everyone was excruciatingly hip in their homemade sweaters and obscure accessories, and not friendly to me at all. the one conversation i did have was with a girl who seemed disappointed i wasn't saying something more interesting. katie did finally appear and make obligatory conversation with me but then left me standing mid-sentence and never came back. i got fed up and left. it's been a long time since anyone has made me feel like a high school geek. :( & the problem with friends like these is that you agree with their high opinion of themself and thus take the rejection as proof of your own unworthiness.... but i have to remind myself that she comes from a very stable and supportive and well-off family, and if i had had that foundation too i probably would be just like her and throw myself into adventures with abandon knowing i had backup. meanwhile, my life has been pretty damned interesting too, all on my own! just interesting in a different way!

anyway i came home and cried to 'x' about it in email, and he reminded me that i am cool. and this morning i consoled myself with furry kittens and a rambunctious black pup at the animal shelter, who love me despite my wounds... the past two years have really really sucked (i looked back and found it has been 2 1/2 years since i was really happy!) and i feel like all the important people have been rejecting me one after another, but i am THANKFUL that these people are coming out of the woodwork at once so i can eliminate them from my life and move on with the kind of friends i deserve because i am a very good girl. :) and i still had a good holiday. tonight i am going to smoke myself a bowl and watch old disney movies.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

spanx lordy

i am not as depressed anymore thank fark, because i have a lot more work to occupy my time, and i have managed to balance hiding in my room with hitting up people (and pets) that i do know more (like my thai friend 't' whom i knew for 7 years in thailand before we both moved to NY at the same time), to meet and chat and cuddle. but now that i am working full time (for a place that i have to travel upstate to once a week on the train- fun!), i am neurotic as hell!!! super analytical and meticulous and OCD, and militant about my decisions. i am being extremely prolific at work- as long as i can set my own terms to work by it is my honed focus- yay! in my room, on my bed with my laptop desk and an improvised thanksgiving dinner… but my mind is like a propeller spinning blur… hard to come down! i have to learn to soften up my approach at my job too, with people. they don’t want someone smarter than they are. nod and smile and do the job the way i think it should be done is the way to go. replace those awkward conversations with writing and documentation for my clients, and do yoga for sanity, pushing my fat dog roommate out of my room so he doesn't get his infernal white hair on my new sofa and trip me up… balance alcohol binging with whoever will have me with deep breathing in the elusive sun… and try not to get distracted by things to spend money on..... ahhh the joys of niche-finding.

Friday, November 13, 2009


i did take a side trip to visit 'x' in europe a few weeks ago, which came out of nowhere, but was therapeutic at the time. as much as we resist it sometimes, we are lifelong friends. i only wish he would put his site up again so you all could see how cool he is. he sets the standard for all my potential friends and lovers, which few if any ever live up to.

pics of amsterdam here (NSFW)

pics of edinburgh here

i'm baaaack!

.... from the midst of an existential crises of massive proportions, which still hasn't quite dissipated. let's just say that coming back to the states (NY in particular) after so many years overseas, alone, during a horrid recession, in the impending winter, with no friends or family around and a general feeling of disillusionment... it's not easy. i spend way too much time wrestling with old demons, feeling alienated (because truth be told, no one around me seems to be able to relate to my life at all), and resigning myself to reclusive abasement in my room in an attempt to save cash so that i don't end up on the street (can't spend freely as i have for years)..... it all came to a head last week and i ended up googling the recipe for that suicide gas that is all the rage in japan (see here and more interesting methods here). luckily i am far too wimpy to ever take any petulant and self destructive tendencies that far. and really far too optimistic, when it comes down to it. it's just a matter of riding this unpredictable wave of the past year or so. thank 'god' i am out of tramadols (my favorite and dangerously irresistable escape drug).

i wrote down what i can remember of my various tumultuous lives and it's a whopper of a list. from that i have considered starting a new and therapeutic writing project which is autobiographical. but my (real) life is a bit overwhelming in one shot, i have to gradually ease people into the truths of it, to avoid shock and horror and the recoiling of people who thought they had me pinpointed. not sure i am ready to be so honest. and also not yet able to find a cohesive moral or point to the story. maybe it is yet to be revealed....

until then i am wallowing in writer's block. at least i am starting to meet new people (having already had unfortunate drama with at least one adulterous liar, but i guess it reminded me that people are people everywhere). i haven't encountered "my people" yet, who were so accessible in my travels.... but i am also getting a decent amount of work to counteract the terrifying spiraling down of my savings balance. and i spend a lot of time zombified in front of tv series on dvd- having added to my library 'dexter', 'bored to death', and the 'mighty boosh' (the latter being a rare and hilarious british comedy). these at least create the illusion that i am having meaningful interactions with society... oh, and when i start to get too crazy i head over to the animal shelter and pet baby animals.

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