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balance (2): stutter

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


it's difficult to explain to someone exactly how neurotic i am sometimes. they just don't get it because they are not that way. david sedaris understands somewhat. i have been listening to his audiobooks lately, which crack me up. it's like trying to explain being gay to a heterosexual! he knows! plus he has obsessive-compulsiveness (in which he can't control himself licking walls and such). i am almost that unstable too, but more mental and less physical, and less funny. :) i have a one track mind, which means if i fixate on something, it is extremely hard to divert myself from a concept, person, train of thought, or (sometimes inane) task, unless i make a drastic effort to cut off. it's almost like a tic- i keep coming back to it over and over until i shake it off. i am a slave to it. when i was a little kid i was a serious perfectionist. which is why i skipped two grades and had straight As despite all the chaos around me (that you blog readers don't know the half of). until i rebelled in high school, anyway. i was teacher's pet and always the perfect mother's helper (though she would never admit it). everything on my desk had to be perfectly aligned. the vaccuum marks too when i was cleaning. and if i made a mistake in my writing it didn't matter how far along i was in my essay i would have to start all over again. and even now i read every email i send no less than 5 or 6 times, no matter how unimportant the content. insane!ly meticulous and obsessive (unless i don't happen to care much about what i am doing, which is actually a nice break).... my job is even organizing large amounts of conflicting info (chaos) into some usable order. that is why my company name is 'usable jungle' (that and it was conceived in the jungle). i am ridiculously analytical. when my brain starts going it is difficult to slow it down, like a hummingbird or a helicopter propeller when they are fluttering. brrrrrrrrrrr. get it? anyone understand besides david?

anyway this especially happens when i am stressed out or uncertain, both of which i am now. i know exactly what i want but not how to get it. and being a control freak that frustrates me to no end. i feel like the spoiled brat in 'charlie and the chocolate factory', singing "i want it now!", but i am trying to discipline myself a bit and relax, let things fall into place. i forget to breathe, can't chill out enough to do yoga, and stop sleeping. and if i am lonely on top of that i will smother whoever is around. (beware!!!!) this is also why i am socially anxious, because it's hard for me to calm down enough to speak coherently sometimes or figure out what i am thinking. and it is the number one reason i smoke weed! which should be legalized for neurotics if it hasn't been already... real drugs for this disorder are too harsh and i will never impose them on myself. so- i just have to keep learning to reign myself in. this applies to my writing as well... 'x' used to tell me that the only way to be a good writer or artist is to learn to be messy, to let things flow as they will and not worry about consequences. i am trying really really hard to live that way! my german friend 'n' says too, "let it flow"!

luckily some of my friends do understand this about me. my movie star friend (whom i was unfair to in my previous post as we really are pretty close now- we'll call him 'tj' by they way) knows that i will barrage him with neurotic emails, and that i mean well even though i overthink everything. he just waits for me to calm down and then comes back to me and shoots the shit. i love him for that. and 'y', my sister-friend with the fire under her ass, who has hopped to canada most recently, accepts that i am a bit crazy and talks me through it patiently. i absolutely love these two for this, and i try to reciprocate in dealing with their individual afflictions. ('x' doesn't get it at all, or try. for some unbeknownst to god reason i still love him too.) ....but i hope my newer friends will get it. :( because i love them too and want to keep them around, not scare them off! promise me those of you who read this will try!


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