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balance (2): gloomy sunday

Sunday, July 5, 2009

gloomy sunday

       

so many blasts from the past. i tell one boy i am too tired to remember things, on the phone, and he sounds crushed. "don't forget me" he pleads, "i promise i am more interesting now". i hang up and resolutely forget him, and his black eyes, his dusky skin, his wry humor and the sexy way his hair used to fall into his face, back before most of my life happened and turned me into this pensive recluse. i take pictures of the fireworks from the sad solitude of my balcony. i hear the crowd cheering in the distance, families on blankets under the stars, the smoke of a thousand barbecues mingling with falling ashes. i close the doors, close the sound out, and i fall into benzo paralysis on my sofa, trying to blank out memories and succumb to the sickly sweet black nothingness of now.

other ghosts (family) i cancel my visits to, just can't face a house full of what are now strangers, aged doppelgangers of the people in my dreams, with matching children. people who know too much about me but not enough to really know anything at all. i don't want them to see how alone i am after having cut them all off, taken off running- but i know it never could have been any other way. the only way to stop the pain sometimes is to remove the source completely. the only way to avoid getting eaten is to recognize their disguises, and not let the monsters in... i don't want to be a monster myself but i think it might be too late. or maybe we are all monsters.

the past catches up anyway, this weekend of independence squashed. i accidentally downloaded and listened to the albums i used to sleep to with my now dead boyfriend, my surprise brother in law, holding my breath in memory of his lack of it... the nostalgia was sparked by my meeting his oblivious twin, my pen pal of many years, come to visit from NY in his fedora and piercings, with his hard drive full of treasures and his uncanny honesty and kind smile. he made me ache for things i could not have. he made me feel too much, remember too much, and it terrified me, that instant closeness, the recognition. i did my best to not get attached to him, knowing i was getting attached to something and someone else that will always be denied me. not again. i tried to see him as the very nice, very alive boy he really is, who probably doesn't have room for my neurosis in his life anyway. my eyes were blurry, i wasn't sure where i was- my past? his future? was i in love with this boy with whom i felt i shared a past and could see a future? or had i confused him with the other happy dj in a fedora, the other one with skinny legs and crushes on younger sisters?

we wandered around all the places "we" used to go. drove through the mountains. dropped the same names. bemoaned the closures of party venues of old. spent a whole day on my porch feeling each other out, poking each others buttons and listening to the recordings which issued forth in shaky streams like old homemade videos. i made him sleep on my very small couch and then had dreams from the other room, of snakes trying to crawl into my bed and penetrate me. i scrunched my eyes harder, wished hard for them to be real, for something or someone to come fill all these holes before i leak slowly into the feathers of my blanket. but when i awoke suddenly again, neither were there- not the snakes nor the dead boy with his curious, prodding penis in the too sunny morning.

but i am fortunate my wishes don't come true.... i am never good enough and i am not ready for revised heartbreak, not from the twin. not from the hungarian hippie boy with dreads down to his ass, with two scruffy dogs in his truck either. not from the now brewmaster i once kissed slowly with a bloody nose. not from the boy on the bus with his unpredictable sweetness and crave-able sexuality. not from the movie star who ignores my calls until he feels like being flattered (i know better). not from the spanish man with the curls who spends a lot of time trying to coaxe me out of my shell when he contrives to bump into me at the office.... for once, i am closed off to the people around me, when for once i think they all have good intentions.


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