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balance (2): rrrg

Monday, June 22, 2009

rrrg


the curse of chief niwot is that one will always return to boulder

'x' thinks i am stupid. no matter what i do or say it always comes around to that, and he doesn't mince words in telling me. i guess that is why he is still one of my best friends(?!) but he isn't exactly warm and fuzzy like he used to be and i have a tendency to ignore him more than i ever did because i just don't get anything positive from him any more. right now he thinks i am stupid for refusing to live the life on offer to me here in boulder. i wonder if he is right. i really don't know.

getting out of the rat race has always been of prime importance to me. i never wanted what anyone else seems to want. i don't want a husband (a long term boyfriend is ok). i don't want children at all whatsoever. i don't really want a tract house in the suburbs and articles about agency awards on my office wall. is that wrong? it seems like it depends on who you ask! if i ask my friends in thailand they all think i am doing the right thing by building up my business and being independent. but they all saw me happy, on the island with my doggies. sitting on my porch with my laptop with enough money to go wherever i wanted to whenever. if i asked someone here in colorado (or x who hasn't seen me in years) they would think i was insane for giving up microsoft as a client, steady money and the chance to learn more... but they don't see me wanting to tear my hair out in an office with no windows. spluttering in bullshit meetings. not having ownership of my work. i don't have the family, the dogs to go home to. i don't even have decorations up in my sublet. i suppose i just don't have the commitment in me, there is no magic in this life for me. x calls me a spoiled brat. is he right? i don't know.

anyway not that there is anything wrong with people who like it here in agency x, in colorado or in any of several cookie cutter states and offices. different things make different people happy. i am sure my boss is happy with all the great accomplishments he has made in his job. i am sure my coworker is happy with her new baby and husband. i am sure the people who all go out backslapping on weekends together over beers enjoy their lives, and that's cool. but it's not me. i don't think i am better than those people. i just don't fit in amongst them. i want different things.

travellers are hard people to keep happy. essentially that is my problem, is that by nature i am an explorer. i like to devour people and places. i am a scientific observer and i need stimulation, fodder in the form of different cultures, personalities, challenges. i am never happy because my being such a being, who didn't want the status quo, puts me in such a rare demographic... and i am therefore often lonely. but i am not going to be happy staying in one place and working this job either. especially not in the winter. does that make me a loser?

i think i have decided that my compromise is to go back to my own consulting business, but within the states. see if i can succeed at that for awhile and that way i can enjoy being here. i do love the states- there is such luxury! i love being around my own culture again. i love the feeling of being back home. i love going on dates with weird, intelligent, and considerate guys who sure as hell have a lot more to offer than the trash i dated in thailand. and i love to be out in it, not sitting behind a desk all day. so i want to go back to working for myself. yeah that might be stupid, but it's what i really want. no offense to anyone. but somehow i don't think i am wrong. i don't expect it to be easy, but i usually don't fail at what i put my mind to, so a big "bite me" to those who don't believe in me, as usual.

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