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balance (2): May 2009

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

land of milk and honey

i am pretty sure i won the lottery about 6 minutes ago but i have no idea how to check til they update their website... rrrg. i want to know if i have to go into work tomorrow! been reading some cheesy self help book that an unrecognizable 'x' recommended to me- all about self actualization through visualization and modelling, etc... blah blah... we'll see if it works. the hippie fortune teller lady at the creek festival this past (rainy) weekend didn't mention a windfall, but then again she was an obvious fraud, in her blue knit hat. pshaw. she insinuated that i should stop dating alcoholics, which was way off! though she did say i should stop trying to save people who don't want to be saved because they just use you and then take off, unable to deal with reality. hrmmm.

anyway still lonely, and though mostly content, in an off mood i am starting to remember what annoys me about boulder. it's extremely homogeneous. and white- like milk. i miss the grungy boulder of the past, with the black-clad musicians and the drug-addled artists. the pretend homeless hippie kids hanging outside the coffeeshops. the occasional earthy outdoorsy nature boy who isn't doing it because it's trendy. now everyone seems to be wearing matching spandex bike outfits and dragging a pedigree... still... some of those real people (or preferred ones anyway) must still be here, hiding... i'll be damned if i don't find them! i am hitting up some old friends who hopefully haven't changed much this weekend. 'l' who used to be a burlesque dancer and 'j' who has colorful tattoos, and 't' if i can find him, who is just hot. if nothing else i will get drunk, in memory of getting drunk with my friends in asia.

i am trying to assimilate to some extent. i do yoga 3 times a week, or pilates. that doesn't counteract all the carrot cake i eat from whole foods, but i am not getting any bigger at least. have totally stayed away from american pre-packaged or fast and greasy foods (except taco bell once for old times sake). i also avoid the news, and commercials. except the local rags which i browse over my coffee at the hippie breakfast place on the hill on the weekends, and which prevents me from getting up and hitting the political dyke girl next to me whose every 3rd word is "like". but i digress. i affectionately hate this place, sort of like i affectionately hate thailand. it's not real, i am just grumpy. when i am not grumpy it is a wonderland. the mountains are gorgeous even if i can't get out in them.

oh i did get my driver's license! after 4 eventful trips to the dmv and an enjoyable drive test with a nice man who had make a solo picnic of the student vehicle. however i am not allowing myself a car of my own as i am liable to take off driving it, to see my friends in NY or cali or my brother in albuquerque. or to new orleans!...yeah. i'll wait til i get that first lottery check and it doesn't matter. or until august anyway. meanwhile i bought myself an iphone, which should keep me content. with what i don't know, but that is america.

i do admit to having watched 'the cougar'on tv, mainly out of curiosity to see if i saw any of myself in her. but i don't! she is 41 dating a 21 year old. that's sick! hehe. nah i really do like guys my own age. they're just all shacked up and boring! and young guys are easy.

otherwise i am working. an automaton in a self-imposed sentence. i am one third the way through now, and still don't know what to do with myself at the end of it. hopefully it will work itself out by magic! meanwhile i will do another flow chart for microsoft and keep track of airfares and leave messages for my siblings and friends on facebook and argue with wankers on thai message boards and drink a glass of wine in the bath every night and sniff the flowers on the way to the bus stop. in some ways not much different from thailand!

Monday, May 18, 2009


so... what's happening. well i just had an amazing weekend, for one thing. it was warm and sunny. i finished one of my freelance-on-the-side jobs and put the other one on hold for two weeks, so i had the weekend free. i pretty much spent it doing whatever i felt like. it kicked off with a long phone call from my ex soap star "boyfriend" , who also spontaneously moved back to the states a week ago. he is in michigan. i pretty much hated him for awhile for being a shallow pretentious jerk and two-timing me with a 20 year old model... but i am happy to find we are good friends from a safe distance. i also talked to another friend who came back, to the vast pot fields of northern cali. he's a tattoed father of an adorable half-thai three year old and owns an adventure sports company. i feel like there is a mass exodus of intelligent people from thailand! (which is understandable given thailand's tendency to turn up dead tourists and to overthrow their government every few weeks)....anyway it was nice to share anecdotes and compare notes with people whose lives are parallel.

i took a bus to the only mall about 20 miles away and chuckled at all the american shops i used to go to when i was little ('hot topic' which sells spiked collars and striped knee high socks, and 'spencer's' which sells vibrator rings)... walked through greasy fast food joints outside of which gorge fat families.... met a strange tousled guy at the bus stop full of pre-practiced lines who made me laugh, but turned him down when he asked me to buy him coffee (after which i felt kinda bad). ate sushi on the patio watching families and homeless kids climb all over the benches next to shockingly large and technicolored tulips on pearl street... rode my bike all over boulder checking things out. i rode to have coffee at the best coffeeshop sunday morning, though i was rude to the counter guy without meaning to be (too shy to converse). rode down to where the buskers whistle to get your attention and try to guess where whatever zip code you throw out is from, or play didgeridoo duets. i played with all the toys in my favorite shop (considered buying a bouncy ball and a rubber chicken that squeezed out a rubber egg but i am trying to curb my impulse to spend money on whatever i want like i do in the much-cheaper asia!!! still i end up spending loads of money, not even sure it was worth coming back to the US in that respect)....

anyway, on with my journey, down to the creek, where sit lots of hippies with dirty clothes in the grass, near the library where i realized i forgot my camera so i couldn't take pictures of the statues and old men doing tai chi. or the little kids bathing with the hippies and dogs among the rocks, or the grandeur of the flatirons plastered along the front range of mountains in the not-too-distant distance. i ran my hands over the books inside the library, found one i had written in 13 years ago(!)... and got a card so i could borrow one of the new releases i decided not to buy in the bookstore earlier on. i rode through some old neighborhoods... realized i have lived in quite a few different places even within boulder! lots of addresses and memories here...people i wonder what happened to... the two jasons who would meet my sister and i when we sneaked out of the house and stole my mom's car to drive to boulder and dance at a dirty little underground club full of gothic and punk kids (sigh! 'ground zero' nostalgia). one jason gave my sister a kitten... deric, the dj, who also ran the record store on the hill, with whom i had experimental sex in just about every form, road tripped to florida, bought furniture with, and whom i watched marry my sister out from under me. (i know what happened to him, deric choked on his own lungs and died. :( )... TJ who studied magick, who kissed me with a bloody nose and who wrote eloquent and dark novels (in addition to being a pretty sad cokehead and a hopeless boy's boy)... sarah who was fat and sloppy and crazy and wore black but was always after some sort of fun... my family with whom i modeled spandex bike gear on the creek path, while my mom sucked up to her ancient triathlete double-digit'th husband, whom i would always catch screwing her in the living room (oh god no more memories!)...

anyhoo a nice ride. i saw an art show with one guy's beauteous paintings, after which i mailed a love letter to him, the only non-boring artist of the show. watched a mediocre foreign flick in the theater with a vanilla milkshake. traipsed around target looking for laptop speakers, hair conditioner, and the cute asian alterna-teen guy i have a crush on there. spent a nice couple hours at my lovely gym. back at home i critiqued x's world domination plan in email (did i tell everyone on here we finally made up after a year of not talking? again.) made up my own business plans for an art gallery/lounge/poetry slam/live mic/yoga venue which i will own in the future, and hung out reading on the balcony. spent the evening watching independent flicks from my favorite 3-floor obscure video store and drinking wine.

i am pretty lonely still (as evidenced by the whole inbox full of messages from the dating sites i joined, before i realized i would never date someone who joined a dating site), but then if someone came along and wanted to hang out i would probably resent them a little for taking up my valuable time- i know how to enjoy myself alone. i have decided i will let people chase me this time instead of the other way around... i cheated a little already though, as i invited my friend 'y' to visit me here next week on her way to work in toronto from singapore. she is very posh and will hate boulder, heh heh. too much nature and no shopping! but her presence will keep me a little saner in the social department. and she is my only globe-hopping friend who can keep up with me.

hmm i am happy :)

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009


waiting for something interesting to happen....

Thursday, May 7, 2009


my office is a huge sleek warehouse which looks a bit like a prison if you squint. there are no windows!

work in an office is getting a little harder. i am starting to like it better in some ways but re-learning socialization (especially for someone used to doing whatever she wants and not having to deal with people at all if i didn't feel like it) is really very difficult. american company culture has always felt a little abrasive and uptight to me. the people are really nice but the lack of organization and the necessity of expressing yourself verbally (to people obsessed with minutiae) instead of in writing (compared to where i am coming from) kinda freaks me out. i feel lost most of the day... i just have to totally flip the way i normally work, and even think. i am part of a team now(!!!) constantly surrounded by and having to depend on people... hrmmm. it's like the difference between being a a writer for a science journal and being a writer for an ad agency (which actually my company is). i can still be analytical but i have to be a lot more creative too....... ayahhh. it is a challenge, which i am trying not to pass up because i am supercool.... it might be less overwhelming if i wasn't also doing freelance work on the side still. my brain goes into overdrive and starts smoking. i am taking it a day at a time and trying to get people to understand the transition i am making meanwhile.

i won't give up my life for a job though so i do try to keep a little life in my life. i enjoy my morning routine. i took a great yoga class the other day, looking out the window at the mountains. spent some excellent time slamming a racquetball against a wall. ride the bus everyday through the countryside and listen to peoples' conversations about their lives. eat bagels and fresh berries. listen to radio shows in between meetings. watch sitcoms and old movies. take hot baths. smoke weed on the weekends and go browsing in bookstores. oh i had microbrewed beers with my old friend 'c' who used to be a scary psychopath but is a brilliant bass player (and as it turns out, a helpful financial advisor too). he wants me to come see jane's addiction and trent reznor play in denver. he has a car so maybe i can get him to drive me through the mountains some sunny day to go tubing down the creek or something.

i'm a bit lonely otherwise. :( it's a good thing i don't have a car is all i can say, as for some reason a lot of my friends from asia are coming back to the states for awhile too. i am dying to take a road trip with one or more of them. i guess i have to wait until at least august though (maybe instead of going back to thailand right away!)....

Monday, May 4, 2009


ok, who is reading my blog from longmont? speak up sonny.

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