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balance (2): "home"

Sunday, April 26, 2009

"home"

i had no idea really what to expect, coming back to boulder. i have to admit i dreaded it, there are so many things i despise about the US. but boulder is my real home, or as close to it as i get in my gypsy life. home is hard to go back to after so long because it is so brutally honest. i keep running into my younger self here, at the coffeeshops, smoke shops, bus stops. memories of things i have done, people i have known (family especially), ideas i have had, mistakes i have made, feelings i have felt here. so many more than i realized- it makes me feel abruptly ancient and awkward. but at the same time it is exhilirating to realize i belong to a place.

boulder is clean and fresh. such clean and fresh-faced people with their mountain bikes and their fluffy pedigreed dogs. there is music everywhere- each bus driver plays their favorite and sings along. everyone is ridiculously friendly- and they talk a lot (or is it that i can understand the conversations around me that makes it seem overwhelming?). they all chew gum and wear khaki and eat organic. my makeup and earrings and heels are obscene here. (i never did really fit in)... i have a condo next to the creek with a view of the mountains. it has drinkable tap water and fast internet. i bought a cool scwhinn cruiser and rode around town until my knees hurt. i bought pop tarts and string cheese and artichokes. i spent all weekend in the movie theater sucking up independent films. i have jet lag so i wake up and make coffee at 4am and then twiddle my thumbs. tomorrow i have to go to work- the first day is always the worst. tied to a desk 9-5 for the next 12 weeks, i hope i survive if not thrive. this could possibly lead me somewhere i didn't anticipate, which i am trying to keep in mind. i am excited as much as i am wary. i am happy to be back here for now. thailand is such a dark, self destructive place when i look at it honestly. i have made such a fool of myself there as much as i also lived and loved large. we shall see which side wins the war in the heart of me between my two true homes (though NY is a 3rd contender).

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