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balance (2): February 2009

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


i have been trying to go to bed before 5am tonight but i have some horrible flu and i can't sleep. so write it is. lucky yous. you get a dose of my therapy.

my friend said something to me the other day which was like a slap in the face- i can't remember what exactly it was, but it was along the lines of "insanity is hoping for change and then continuing to be and do the same". thank 'god' for my friends and their accidental inspiration. i feel really good since. i realized that most of my suffering comes from myself. i feel stuck because i sit and obsess over being stuck. when all my friends have left, sure i am lonely, but moping around feeling sorry for myself just magnifies it. i get bored but that's because i let myself sit and surf the same 3 websites over and over obsessively. i hate myself for letting people make me feel like a bad person, but the fact is i do let them. i don't produce (work, writing) because i allow myself to be lazy. and on and on... i have realized i am my own worst enemy!

so i feel like i have entered a new phase. i am going to try to be zen about things, let them flow and not place too much importance upon anything. i am happy to have my apartment and my space back to myself- as soon as 'y' left for singapore i immediately cleaned it from top to bottom as i like it. and i have revelled in my hermitdom- i can listen to my own music with no lip from anyone. i can walk around nekkid if i like. i can not take a shower and lay around watching DVDs all day if i want and it is nobody's business. i bought art supplies as a belated birthday present so i can replace the ghastly framed "art" in my place with paintings of my own, and make it feel a bit more like home. and sure bangkok kind of sucks but it could be worse! there are many people now in much worse positions than i am in so i need to snap out of it and get back on track. i decided moving back down to the island and to a life i have thoroughly done already is just a step backwards. instead i will progress. i have already planned a couple of weekend trips away. i let go of my friends- i have learned by now that people drift in and out of my life, and i can't control that. i have mostly forgiven the men who made me feel horrible this past year as i know they all have their own issues and if they bothered to actually look at me they would regret their actions. perhaps they will drift back as well at a better time. and i am focused on the betterment of myself- exercising, dropping a couple of the vices that have popped up again in the past month or so, concentrating on making money, and developing a plan for the future that allows me time to write a book. choosing to be a happy person and not a gloomy one.

anyway, i just watched the movie 'revolutionary road'. i liked it so much that i watched it twice in a row, on DVD. if you have seen it, i kind of think of myself like the character from the insane asylum- speaking the truth bluntly in totally inappropriate situations. i loved that character. :) as i told someone recently, they may not always like my delivery of the truth, but it's still the truth- which is the most important thing in the world to me even if it does keep me a bit insane. (but then again, another good quote is that "truth is a bully we all pretend to like")... the movie was a good translation of a lot of my ideas about conformity and sedation, often brought about through marriage, stale jobs, and suburban life- the kind of life i refuse to live. i could relate to kate winslet's character too- choosing death over submission to other peoples' expectations of her and her inability to be free. (oops i might have just spoiled it).

ok off to thrash around my bed til daylight. i will say a prayer before i finally sleep- it's my new thing. i am agnostic, so "just in case" i have a catch-all intro: "dear god, guardian angel, universe, energy, spirit, self, whoever or whatever.... thank you for this lucky life".

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


33 today. what an exhilarating, chaotic, frustrating, difficult, but overall beautiful collection of lives i have lived in the past 33 years! and though my heart stops when i actually think about myself as 30-something(!), i still feel like just a little kid! the idea of being a grown-up, of having to take things seriously, settle down... it's so far from my actual reality! is this how it is, as you get older? will i always feel like a child trapped in this aging facade?- such a sad paradox in a way. again i feel like there is so much of life i still have not even touched on yet, and i feel an urgency to get out there and live it before it is too late and i am too decrepit to enjoy it!

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