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balance (2): island life

Monday, January 26, 2009

island life


balance

phew! i can breathe again! i really think i might be suffocating to death on bus fumes in bangkok- wandering around in the zombie haze there, occasionally bumping into someone pretentious and damaged. having unavoidable dalliances with crazy drivers in crazy traffic, a casual brush with death on my way to the supermarket. forcing myself to hop from club to club and pour drinks i can't stand down my throat and talking to people i don't like for want of anything better to do. and occasionally the gym when i feel guilty enough... obsessing over situations i can't change and people i really shouldn't bother with, because once again, there is nothing else to do or no one whom i really relate to... it's not enough. i am miserable in that city! it's not so much that the past year has been bad but that it culminated in bangkok! city of (fallen) angels. a waystation at best, which was what i intended on my way to new york... but coming back to a place where i am woken up by birds and the lapping sea, where down to earth people hang out and muse in hammocks and listen to decent music (instead of comparing labels and photo shoots and crime stories), where i can do yoga and sit on the porch with the local cats and dogs, and take drives through the jungle- this is why i came to this country! not to sit and rot in the city- my life becomes the internet there, a desperate sort of grasping at life. i don't want it any more. i want to feel alive again!

the problem is, moving back to an island might not be the brightest move on my own. and certainly may not be good for my career (not that i really care if i am just riding out the recession). koh phangan is probably out (it's only rosy on the surface). not sure about other islands in thailand yet, maybe vietnam or indonesia for a change? gonna have to think about it, in an effort to recover my sanity and happiness. but whatever happens i will be glad to climb out of this very long rut i jumped into and have my real life back again.

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