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balance (2): hmmm

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

hmmm

i am often accused of being too serious and overanalytical. i am berated by friends for being obsessive and neurotic and for taking things too personally. as a pen pal of mine said recently, "all life becomes a dissection"... all of this is sometimes true, though overall i am a very laid back and open-minded gal whose conclusions are never unchangeable. being analytical is not the same as being judgemental. and if i create suffering, it is usually in my own mind, i am quite careful to be good to others and not hold them to unrealistic standards. yes i am serious, but you would be too if you had my past. it would be nice i suppose to take the buddhist approach of no attachments to things and people, or the yogic approach of emptying the mind and obtaining balance (still elusive for me even though it's been the title of my blog for about 5 years!). i simply was not born a simple person or into a simple life (and thus i will probably never really be happy).

still, i have taken issue with those friends lately for being the opposite. i love these people and appreciate them in my life, but i feel like an alien among them some times. they tend to live on the surface of things. they rely on outward appearances and superficial standards. they don't examine anything too deeply- religion, philosophy, art, music, culture... and their relationships with others tend to be very shallow. in fact, their characteristics are usually those that i avoid in people- i am not interested in the status quo or acquaintanceships, i like to go deep. when i care about someone or something, i do it all the way. but as i have mentioned before, thailand does not seem to attract people with much depth, and i have to make do with those i find myself interested in despite their frustrating aspects.

my ex boyfriend 'd' used to believe in the concept of 'old souls'. this is the idea that a person has been through enough suffering in this life (or a previous one) that they have learned lessons that others may not have been exposed to yet, and they have a deeper understanding of the way things work. old souls tend to grab life and make it into what they want. they have a heightened appreciation for beauty, having seen so much of the dark side. they tend to understand the motivations behind things much more easily than others who never bothered to look. they have more compassion and more curiosity in them than the average person.

thailand has few of these old souls. in fact, it is almost soulless. sometimes i want to strangle these people and say "wake up! start living! go deeper!"... but what can you do.

for now i am stuck here in thailand. i will surely never escape! i have an amazing amount of work being sent to me here in bangkok despite the recession, and zero prospects in the west now, so my decision has been made. i will be opening a creative division for a user experience consultancy in hong kong, and continue to live in and take freelance projects from bangkok for now. i mourn the fact that i can not go travel (my younger sister is making me excruciatingly jealous with her accounts of her current trip in cairo), but the goal is to save money, and so i will have to make do with hopping around asia for the time being. i am not especially happy about that but i suppose if i upgrade my house from a waystation to a home and make my life more comfortable, maybe get a pet, and keep on poking and prodding some life out of the friends i do have around, i can't really complain.

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