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balance (2): goodbye 2008

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

goodbye 2008

i was reflecting back on my life and i noticed a pattern. every 8th year of my life is very difficult, starting when i was 8 years old (probably the worst year of my life) and continuing on with a horrible 16th year, a pretty hard 24th year, and this last year, my unbearable 32nd. thank fucking god it is over now is all i can say. not looking forward to 40.

all of these bad years have been dominated by bad relationships- with my family, supposed friends, and with boyfriends. this year was no less harsh than the others- it started with my final fallout with 'x', my unrequited love, and a disastrous breakup with my last thai boyfriend 'm', the sharp-tongued, perpetually sad companion who left me broken on the beach. i left my idyllic island life in thong nai pan trading insults with people who had previously been friends but whose lives and minds did not venture beyond those narrow borders of the isolated village, and who could just not be bothered to see me as me. i had a fling with a man who lowered my self esteem to nil when i realized how little it actually meant to him (whispering friends tipped me off to the website with pictures of him and his wife), and a similar friendship with my movie star boy just recently broke down when we crossed the line into a sexual relationship and then guiltily parted ways, knowing it could never be, as we are both too damaged.

i greatly appreciate the couple of real friendships i have managed to maintain this year- specifically with my girlfriends 't' and 'y'... both of whom went way beyond the call of friendship to prop me up at my most neurotic and insecure moments, and reminded me of who i am and why i am still living. the rest of the riff-raff that fell by the wayside this year only served to highlight what great people they are and how much i truly love them.

and now i have just returned from a week of excruciating pleasantness spent on my island, wondering why the hell i ever moved to bangkok, and am fighting the temptation to move right back down there (on the other side of the island from thong nai pan). if no real opportunities present themselves in NY or here in bangkok in the next month, i think i will give up on this city which has had me stagnating so long and go back to where i am happiest to ride out the recession- back to where i wake up with random fauna peeping in at me from the sunshine and flora, where i can maneuver my jeep around the jungle roads to visit my happy friends, where i can make thai food with neighbors, swim in the sea or dance on the cliffs whenever i please, and which is cheap and easy, at least for awhile. i am over worrying about what people think about it, and long past feeling guilty for wanting to be free.

happy new year!


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