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balance (2): December 2008

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

goodbye 2008

i was reflecting back on my life and i noticed a pattern. every 8th year of my life is very difficult, starting when i was 8 years old (probably the worst year of my life) and continuing on with a horrible 16th year, a pretty hard 24th year, and this last year, my unbearable 32nd. thank fucking god it is over now is all i can say. not looking forward to 40.

all of these bad years have been dominated by bad relationships- with my family, supposed friends, and with boyfriends. this year was no less harsh than the others- it started with my final fallout with 'x', my unrequited love, and a disastrous breakup with my last thai boyfriend 'm', the sharp-tongued, perpetually sad companion who left me broken on the beach. i left my idyllic island life in thong nai pan trading insults with people who had previously been friends but whose lives and minds did not venture beyond those narrow borders of the isolated village, and who could just not be bothered to see me as me. i had a fling with a man who lowered my self esteem to nil when i realized how little it actually meant to him (whispering friends tipped me off to the website with pictures of him and his wife), and a similar friendship with my movie star boy just recently broke down when we crossed the line into a sexual relationship and then guiltily parted ways, knowing it could never be, as we are both too damaged.

i greatly appreciate the couple of real friendships i have managed to maintain this year- specifically with my girlfriends 't' and 'y'... both of whom went way beyond the call of friendship to prop me up at my most neurotic and insecure moments, and reminded me of who i am and why i am still living. the rest of the riff-raff that fell by the wayside this year only served to highlight what great people they are and how much i truly love them.



and now i have just returned from a week of excruciating pleasantness spent on my island, wondering why the hell i ever moved to bangkok, and am fighting the temptation to move right back down there (on the other side of the island from thong nai pan). if no real opportunities present themselves in NY or here in bangkok in the next month, i think i will give up on this city which has had me stagnating so long and go back to where i am happiest to ride out the recession- back to where i wake up with random fauna peeping in at me from the sunshine and flora, where i can maneuver my jeep around the jungle roads to visit my happy friends, where i can make thai food with neighbors, swim in the sea or dance on the cliffs whenever i please, and which is cheap and easy, at least for awhile. i am over worrying about what people think about it, and long past feeling guilty for wanting to be free.





happy new year!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

musing again

i am re-reading the book 'shantaram', partly because it was good and partly because it was one of those 1000-pagers that should last me through my holiday next week. it is the story of gregory david roberts, who had an amazing life. i am only a couple of chapters into it thus far, and already there are dozens of quotes that hit a chord with me. here are a couple-

(on the underbelly of bombay) "usually i am never taking the tourists to these places. they are not liking it, and i am not liking their not liking. or maybe sometimes they are liking it too much, in these places, and i am liking that even less, isn't it? you must have it a good heads, to like these things, and you must be having a good hearts, to not like them too much". -prabaker

(on a prostitute who gave up a priveleged life to chase a junkie) "she loved that guy. she did it for him. she would have done anything for him. some women are like that. some loves are like that. most loves are like that, from what i can see. your heart starts to feel like an over-crowded lifeboat. you throw your pride out to keep it afloat, and your self respect and your independence. after awhile you start throwing people out- your friends, everyone you used to know. and it's still not enough. the lifeboat is still sinking, and you know it's going to take you down with it. i've seen that happen to a lot of girls here. i think that's why i am sick of love."
- karla

... also read a very interesting report that our consciousness is ten seconds behind the present, and another fascinating article about japanese researchers who have been able to project thoughts into tangible images. maybe some day i can just project my book onto a screen rather than having to actually write it! ;)

Sunday, December 14, 2008

me

it's funny the reactions i get to this blog. and it reflects in real life too, as my writing is really just an extension of me and my personality. i don't have nearly as many readers as i used to, and far fewer people comment on what i write these days (but i have stopped promoting it publicly for quite awhile too). still- i do get interesting emails. about 90% of them are from people who are effusively complimentary, to the point of embarassment. some of the letters i get border on celebrity worship, ha, which makes me feel good but is also very idealistic of them, as of course none of you know me very well at all. but as in my real life, the majority of people who read me respect and like the fact that i am so straightforward and open, even to the point of being brutally honest and tactless at times. my real friends all appreciate those aspects in me.

the other 10% is really nasty! some people just don't understand why i have to be so honest. they find it totally offensive. they think i am a simpleton or a drama queen.

luckily it has never been my goal to appeal to the masses. i really couldn't care less what people think of me as long as i am true to myself. i have gone over this subject a few times over the years in this blog. when you have a life as unstable as mine has usually been, it is important for survival to eliminate the bullshit (people, problems, material things) and get to the heart of things to progress. as far as i am concerned, standing up for what you think, feel, and believe in is the only way to live. i expect the same from the people around me. i am militant about this, and also unapologetic. people who don't like it can choose not to read, or in real life, choose not to associate with me. i feel it is their loss. i might not always be "nice", or "polite"... i might reveal things that are normally kept to oneself (though believe me there is a lot i don't reveal), but i will never in my life be justifiably accused of being double-sided or fake. and i am proud of that fact. so there. take it or leave it.

anyway, been quite busy lately. put my plane ticket to NY off for a month, giving myself january to find job opportunities before heading back, which makes more sense. awaiting a visit from my lovely friend 'y', who has decided melbourne is not the place for her and will come stay with me until she decides which place in the world is! we plan to head back to my little island village in koh phangan for the week of christmas. on the one hand, i miss it, and am happy to go re-visit my friends there and show 'y' my life there. on the other hand, i hate to go back to a place that i have already said goodbye to. i gave up a lot when i left koh phangan. it was both the most amazing and some of the most trying four years of my life. i am going to have to see the dogs i left behind (if they are even still alive!), which i know will break my heart. i am sure i will bump into a few small-minded enemies as well. but i am hoping to just be able to relax and have a little taste of the peace and happiness that kept me there for longer than i have ever stayed anywhere else in my life, and then come back to bangkok feeling refreshed for new year. we shall see.

Friday, December 5, 2008

patience

the political crisis in thailand has winded down for now, though there is still a lot going on under the surface (most of which we can't talk about by law so that makes for barely suppressed rebelliousness and boring blog entries!) the fighting is liable to spring up again soon in an even nastier form, depending on certain circumstances, so we are all a bit edgy here in the lull of the storm.

meanwhile i watched the movie 'twilight', and though i am not in it's target demographic (idealistic teenybopper girls dreaming of vampire boyfriends) and it wasn't all that great a movie, it made me surprisingly homesick for my country. there were some gorgeous scenery shots from the pacific northwest. around this time of year i start to miss winter a little bit, of course... christmas in bangkok is dead boring, and the recorded carols repeated halfheartedly in the shopping centers and fake evergreens with spray-on snow really just don't balance out the fact that it's about 90 degrees and a buddhist country. it's not only christmas i miss though, it's american humor, pop culture, fashion, music, liberalism, a dating pool of some interest to me, and dare i say it- decriminalization of marijuana, my drug of choice for anxiety, of which i have been deprived for a long while now... :( my friend 'y' says i probably just miss it all because i can't have it for now, as i am notoriously dissatisfied and restless. she is usually right about me.

i do have to wonder though if i will ever go back there and settle again. part of me wants a quaint house in the mountains with a variety of pets, an organic garden, and a road trip-friendly vehicle handy. but chances are i would quickly grow bored. same goes with the sleek, airy loft on the riverfront in the city. 'x' and i had that once in fact- spent thousands of dollars painting and furnishing a gorgeous loft with leather couches, flat screen tvs, framed art and down filled comforters. almost as soon as we finished we looked around, said "that was fun", then sold it all and went travelling again. :) the curse of gypsy blood!

my gypsy blood is boiling now and it is all i can do not to cut and run, but i have to be disciplined for now. so i am resolving to make do with the contracts i have coming in (which are a blessing i shouldn't overlook as so many others i know are jobless), make the best of the relationships with people i do have here now (though they are not "my" people), and try to be positive a day at a time.

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Monday, December 1, 2008

wow!

this is a picture of the moon and stars tonight- literally smiling upon us!


Venus, Jupiter, and the Moon, not necessarily in that order

the question is, are they laughing with us or at us????

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