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balance (2): (wo)man's search for meaning

Thursday, November 13, 2008

(wo)man's search for meaning

i have been reading back through my blog a lot lately to remember who i am (the value of recorded thoughts over a decade should not be understated). i realized that so many parts of myself seem to have gone dormant lately- a lack of inspiration not just because of the place i am in but because i have let myself turn off and just go through the motions. a friend of mine asked me which gender i am leaning towards sexually these days and i realized that if anything i am totally asexual. another friend asked if i have written my book yet and i thought back to the weeks of doing nothing other than surf the same 3 websites repeatedly. i reflected on my recent friendships and though they are very good people whom i value immensely, they have not inspired me towards any sort of passion as the strange and moving specimens i have let into my life before did. i find myself humming "where is my mind" (great song by the pixies) and trying to feel that sometimes dark and brooding lust for life i have always had before, but it is very elusive these days and i sort of float along in oblivious boredom.

tonight, a couple of wines and a dose of my new favorite drug, tramadol, helped immensely. rather than wallowing in depression and loneliness i feel surprisingly and pleasantly free.

thinking about what i want to do now and it is becoming clearer. travel is a given, and always number one- my lust to experience the world at least has not diminished. it is however, a sad impossibility due to the fucked up state of the economy at present and my low bank balance. so working becomes number one, wherever it is i decide to work- calculating the ratio of sanity i can retain vs. the amount of cash i can earn.... but aside from money, what is it that i want? ...the answer is (still) meaning... i need something to mean something in my life again. whether that is a boyfriend who stimulates and challenges those sleepy parts of my brain to wake up again, some sort of project i can throw myself into (if said boyfriend would support me for a year while i write my book i could kill two birds with one stone but that is unlikely), some sort of beauty that i can uncover from my surroundings and capture in some way... i don't know what it is but i need to find it again. and i am unsure that i will find it in thailand, which i am realizing more and more is a soulless place.

anyway it's growing colder here, i shiver in the ten degree drop. i peer at the city from my balcony and dare it to impress me with some danger or decadence that i haven't seen before. i shrug and traipse in to have meetings on IM in which i excel and get a little carried away with bossing people around (one reason i don't do well in office situations). i think about packing my things and taking off into the unknown and i feel a little thrill at the fact that i will always have that choice because as much as i complain sometimes the fact that i have no ties is a glorious thing. the moon is full and the slate is clean, who knows what is just around the corner.


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