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balance (2): yawn

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

yawn

chances are you readers are bored with my blog, or at least with checking to see if it has been updated and finding not. anyway i see via my tracker that it is basically the same handful of people coming to visit over and over again. i will try to be more consistent! even though some of you arrive at this page after entering such eloquent keywords as "fuck thai girls" and "cowboy gigolos". (?!)

there is so much happening and nothing happening at the same time. it has been a strange few weeks. i have spent the last month living in a small air conditioned cave of a hotel room- pecking at my laptop most of the day and then slinking out at night to pick up tourists to shock with knowledgeable anecdotes over drinks, or to flirt with old (mostly "hi-so" thai) friends, who drag me to fancy bars full of upscale escorts in hair extensions and stilettos (men really are all the same). sleeping til after noon and repeating the process.

i was stuck in a loop for awhile in which i had 5 tedious interviews spread over a couple of stressful, dislocated weeks, with an american company that almost convinced me to move to amsterdam and service their clients in 9 european countries, all expenses paid. it was a difficult decision but by the 5th interview i was so annoyed by their uptight drillings, and realized there was no way i could go into an office every day 9-5 and work with these people, even if it was in one of my favorite cities. besides, the clients were spread out over eastern europe- mostly horribly cold, depressing countries which i would be visiting in the heart of winter. so i didn't take the job. i have to admit i have agonized over that decision since, but as a friend says, one should always make every decision the right decision.

so since the 1st i have moved up just slightly into a "serviced apartment", which is basically a glorified hotel room, nearer to the skytrain and having a gym/pool/sauna which i have thus far had to myself in my tentative forays in. i can no longer wander out the door and run into good looking tourists, which has it's drawbacks, but i have a lot more time to focus on reeling in projects, which is top priority for now as my cash is worryingly low. i have been looking into taking a thai course and picking up an occasional gig as an extra in films, just to stimulate some sort of social life.

for the future though, i am undecided. i am happy in a way to still be able to lounge in the tropical weather in the midst of bangkok mayhem. i am happy to have a western toilet, gourmet supermarkets, and movie theaters at my disposal. but i know i won't last here for long. i am trying very hard not to think about my dogs, which i left behind, though it is tempting to rent another cheap house either on the safer, more convenient side of koh phangan or on another island and reunite my poor little family. or i could avoid the whole asia trap completely and take off back to NY for the summer. or i could go travel somewhere new- if i can handle the isolation. thinking, thinking... what else is new.

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