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balance (2): x's

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

x's

in my quest for meaning today i started analyzing, which is a loop-de-loop for me for sure. but i realized that the one thing that always seems to get me in trouble is i get a little too close for my own good. as my friend says "you go right for the jugular every time, don't you". it's true. i am not a small talk kind of girl. i like to get personal. i like to get close. i like gory details (and will also give them freely). it is amazing to see what kinds of reactions i get. most people love it! in my time in the land of revolving-door tourists, it was funny to see all the popular party people come through with all their "friends"... and i would sit them down for one of my intrusive conversations, and they would be uncomfortable and awkward- but the number of those people who have returned for more, and who have stayed in touch with me long after they are gone justifies my interest in them, and they appreciate the fact that i try to be real. i won't apologize for that. i love dragging people out of themselves!

there is the other whole side to it, though. especially in thailand, which is not a straightforward, honest, or intimacy-inclined culture at all. but even some of my own people think if you know too much about them that you own them, or you have power over them, and they don't give that up lightly! my most intense relationships have entailed my trying to gingerly push my hand through the gnashing teeth and claws to get to pet the head. and i have failed in a couple of those. some people can not trust another person enough to have that sort of intimacy. they are defensive. they get offended. some are just too damned shallow! some people hate themselves. and some people just have too much to hide.

anyway if nothing else it does narrow down the list to the ones who matter. and i am happy to have a few who do matter that keep in touch, and hope that the few who are so reluctant to be on that list (yet still are due to my feelings for them) will eventually let down their defenses and let me love them too. :)

"This above all, to thine own self by true." - William Shakespeare

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