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balance (2): hippity hop

Sunday, June 22, 2008

hippity hop

my friend keeps saying to me i am too indecisive because there are too many options... when you are free to have anything you want, how can you choose one thing?

so yes, i am indecisive, as usual. starting to get cold feet about putting down a deposit on an apartment and signing a six month lease in bangkok. bangkok!? this is not where i have ever wanted to be. bangkok has none of the things i have come to live in thailand for (nature, birds and chickens to wake me up, crickets to sing me to sleep, dogs (love!) playing on beaches, music under the moon, drives through the jungle, friends visiting the porch, authentic thai food picked from the yard and served by neighbors i know and all that goes along with that lush rural life).... it also really doesn't have all the benefits of a real city like NY, such as much art and culture, single men i am attracted to (thai men are totally OUT), intellectuals, and decent nightlife.... i have been telling myself that once i move into a real place things will be better. once i start doing my yoga regularly again, getting more work done (and thus replenishing my money), learning to speak thai at last, listening to self hypnosis mp3s telling me i am ok (seriously), everything will be fine! :) but if i took such a big step as to leave a life that i really loved, isn't it a little bit weak to not keep going? thailand has little of the magic that it used to have for me. the thai people, frankly, annoy the crap out of me these days (i have met some horrible people in this country and though there are horrible people everywhere the cultural differences here seem to exacerbate things). the foreign people i meet aren't the best element of society either (not surprising that the most disturbed and deviant of my friends was my introduction to this place years ago). and i have learned that i am too open and too soft for a place so full of secrets and corruption as here. the longer i stay here the more i am afraid i will lose myself.

but the one problem i always face is where to run? i love to travel but i am no longer the happy innocent of the early days of my blog (i am sure that is reflected in the fact that i rarely write anything about my real daily life on here any longer!)... and as was proven on my south america trip, i am weary of travelling completely alone.

not that i am complaining... i suppose i am just spinning in circles again and looking for advice that no one can really give except myself... but after all the natural disasters in asia lately, and other tragedies that have hit close to home, i know i am very lucky and don't know why happiness is always so elusive. i do have to wonder though, especially after analyzing said deviant friend recently before i wrote him off for good, if you get most things you want in life, if you are able to realize your fantasies, does the fact that there is not much left to fantasize about make you unhappy and bitter? how ridiculously ironic that would be. and how stupid of me if that is the case. guess i had better set out to find something of more meaning.

... and there it is i think. meaning. that is what my life lacks. no close family, few close friends, no lover, no religion, no political fervor, no real philosophy that i live by other than trying to be true to myself, no passion...

i need to rediscover my passion, and go with it.

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