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balance (2): June 2008

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


in my quest for meaning today i started analyzing, which is a loop-de-loop for me for sure. but i realized that the one thing that always seems to get me in trouble is i get a little too close for my own good. as my friend says "you go right for the jugular every time, don't you". it's true. i am not a small talk kind of girl. i like to get personal. i like to get close. i like gory details (and will also give them freely). it is amazing to see what kinds of reactions i get. most people love it! in my time in the land of revolving-door tourists, it was funny to see all the popular party people come through with all their "friends"... and i would sit them down for one of my intrusive conversations, and they would be uncomfortable and awkward- but the number of those people who have returned for more, and who have stayed in touch with me long after they are gone justifies my interest in them, and they appreciate the fact that i try to be real. i won't apologize for that. i love dragging people out of themselves!

there is the other whole side to it, though. especially in thailand, which is not a straightforward, honest, or intimacy-inclined culture at all. but even some of my own people think if you know too much about them that you own them, or you have power over them, and they don't give that up lightly! my most intense relationships have entailed my trying to gingerly push my hand through the gnashing teeth and claws to get to pet the head. and i have failed in a couple of those. some people can not trust another person enough to have that sort of intimacy. they are defensive. they get offended. some are just too damned shallow! some people hate themselves. and some people just have too much to hide.

anyway if nothing else it does narrow down the list to the ones who matter. and i am happy to have a few who do matter that keep in touch, and hope that the few who are so reluctant to be on that list (yet still are due to my feelings for them) will eventually let down their defenses and let me love them too. :)

"This above all, to thine own self by true." - William Shakespeare

Sunday, June 22, 2008

hippity hop

my friend keeps saying to me i am too indecisive because there are too many options... when you are free to have anything you want, how can you choose one thing?

so yes, i am indecisive, as usual. starting to get cold feet about putting down a deposit on an apartment and signing a six month lease in bangkok. bangkok!? this is not where i have ever wanted to be. bangkok has none of the things i have come to live in thailand for (nature, birds and chickens to wake me up, crickets to sing me to sleep, dogs (love!) playing on beaches, music under the moon, drives through the jungle, friends visiting the porch, authentic thai food picked from the yard and served by neighbors i know and all that goes along with that lush rural life).... it also really doesn't have all the benefits of a real city like NY, such as much art and culture, single men i am attracted to (thai men are totally OUT), intellectuals, and decent nightlife.... i have been telling myself that once i move into a real place things will be better. once i start doing my yoga regularly again, getting more work done (and thus replenishing my money), learning to speak thai at last, listening to self hypnosis mp3s telling me i am ok (seriously), everything will be fine! :) but if i took such a big step as to leave a life that i really loved, isn't it a little bit weak to not keep going? thailand has little of the magic that it used to have for me. the thai people, frankly, annoy the crap out of me these days (i have met some horrible people in this country and though there are horrible people everywhere the cultural differences here seem to exacerbate things). the foreign people i meet aren't the best element of society either (not surprising that the most disturbed and deviant of my friends was my introduction to this place years ago). and i have learned that i am too open and too soft for a place so full of secrets and corruption as here. the longer i stay here the more i am afraid i will lose myself.

but the one problem i always face is where to run? i love to travel but i am no longer the happy innocent of the early days of my blog (i am sure that is reflected in the fact that i rarely write anything about my real daily life on here any longer!)... and as was proven on my south america trip, i am weary of travelling completely alone.

not that i am complaining... i suppose i am just spinning in circles again and looking for advice that no one can really give except myself... but after all the natural disasters in asia lately, and other tragedies that have hit close to home, i know i am very lucky and don't know why happiness is always so elusive. i do have to wonder though, especially after analyzing said deviant friend recently before i wrote him off for good, if you get most things you want in life, if you are able to realize your fantasies, does the fact that there is not much left to fantasize about make you unhappy and bitter? how ridiculously ironic that would be. and how stupid of me if that is the case. guess i had better set out to find something of more meaning.

... and there it is i think. meaning. that is what my life lacks. no close family, few close friends, no lover, no religion, no political fervor, no real philosophy that i live by other than trying to be true to myself, no passion...

i need to rediscover my passion, and go with it.


Friday, June 6, 2008


RIP "daddy".

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


chances are you readers are bored with my blog, or at least with checking to see if it has been updated and finding not. anyway i see via my tracker that it is basically the same handful of people coming to visit over and over again. i will try to be more consistent! even though some of you arrive at this page after entering such eloquent keywords as "fuck thai girls" and "cowboy gigolos". (?!)

there is so much happening and nothing happening at the same time. it has been a strange few weeks. i have spent the last month living in a small air conditioned cave of a hotel room- pecking at my laptop most of the day and then slinking out at night to pick up tourists to shock with knowledgeable anecdotes over drinks, or to flirt with old (mostly "hi-so" thai) friends, who drag me to fancy bars full of upscale escorts in hair extensions and stilettos (men really are all the same). sleeping til after noon and repeating the process.

i was stuck in a loop for awhile in which i had 5 tedious interviews spread over a couple of stressful, dislocated weeks, with an american company that almost convinced me to move to amsterdam and service their clients in 9 european countries, all expenses paid. it was a difficult decision but by the 5th interview i was so annoyed by their uptight drillings, and realized there was no way i could go into an office every day 9-5 and work with these people, even if it was in one of my favorite cities. besides, the clients were spread out over eastern europe- mostly horribly cold, depressing countries which i would be visiting in the heart of winter. so i didn't take the job. i have to admit i have agonized over that decision since, but as a friend says, one should always make every decision the right decision.

so since the 1st i have moved up just slightly into a "serviced apartment", which is basically a glorified hotel room, nearer to the skytrain and having a gym/pool/sauna which i have thus far had to myself in my tentative forays in. i can no longer wander out the door and run into good looking tourists, which has it's drawbacks, but i have a lot more time to focus on reeling in projects, which is top priority for now as my cash is worryingly low. i have been looking into taking a thai course and picking up an occasional gig as an extra in films, just to stimulate some sort of social life.

for the future though, i am undecided. i am happy in a way to still be able to lounge in the tropical weather in the midst of bangkok mayhem. i am happy to have a western toilet, gourmet supermarkets, and movie theaters at my disposal. but i know i won't last here for long. i am trying very hard not to think about my dogs, which i left behind, though it is tempting to rent another cheap house either on the safer, more convenient side of koh phangan or on another island and reunite my poor little family. or i could avoid the whole asia trap completely and take off back to NY for the summer. or i could go travel somewhere new- if i can handle the isolation. thinking, thinking... what else is new.

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