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balance (2): where am i

Monday, April 7, 2008

where am i

STILL breaking up with the thai boyfriend even though he has been gone a month. never have i ever had such a passionate, mutually destructive relationship. even though 'm' did unspeakable things to me i still love him (that snuck up on me!) for some unfathomable reason, and i tend to eat shit. used to do that with 'x' too so i have come to the conclusion that i am totally spineless in my surrender to unrequited love. my self esteem is at one of it's all time lows and i feel a bit heartbroken to lose this particular personality and the plans i had made to have him in my life. also suddenly losing a friend who i could talk to about anything- it's a grieving process... at least 'm' has gone back home and is unlikely to return, so i can't fall back into the futility of it all... but i feel pretty lonely. :(

i realized i have a bad prediliction for collecting friends and partners who are not well intentioned, who have shallow priorities, or who basically don't give a crap about me like i do them. time to slough off people like that in my life. i guess at times i feel like i don't deserve to hang out with nice people, or that those people are boring (does everyone feel like this at times?)! however the root of my loneliness is that i don't allow the nice people to get close. so time to change.

also, as much as i am tempted to cut and run (always my first instinct), leaving the island means leaving a lot of things that make me happy- my little dog-family, my garden, the friends i do have in the world, my enemies who are always good for a bit of drama... and where am i going to go? off alone to start over somewhere? people keep telling me to stop running away but i am not so sure that staying in one place helps a person to grow, and i am not retired.... so yes i am contemplating a run, even if it is just to go stay in bangkok for awhile to go to the gym, meet more upstanding men, and study thai.

oh, to add to the emotional cocktail, i have gotten word that my "father", who is on death row in south carolina, will be executed within the next couple of weeks.


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