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balance (2): April 2008

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

visa run

in vientiane, laos and wishing there was something interesting here to write about or take pictures of but this is one of the sleepiest "cities" in the world. there is even a curfew! i am here to renew my visa for thailand, and it is quite inconvenient really, having to go all the way across the country and out just to get back in again. at least i get a little break away even if laos is rather blah. i suppose i saw enough of this country 5 years or so ago when i was here last (see here)- even back then i thought it was thailand's quieter, less glamorous younger sister. it's funny, i didn't realize then that all the people around me basically spoke thai (didn't understand the language then). back then i was more open and adventurous, and also a lot more naive. i don't remember questioning everyone's motives back then. i also of course did not feel so at home amongst temples, stray dogs, and tuk tuks. i never would have guessed at that time that by this time i would be living in asia.

lately i am not sure that's a good thing! do i want to live in asia? i have gotten past the culture shock, gotten past the challenges of getting set up and succeeding in a foreign country. had a couple long and tumultuous relationships. made some good friends. managed to be happy for awhile. but what's next? what kind of future can i possibly have here? am i retiring here? am i going to (be able to) buy land and build a house here? make a business? am i going to live alone in a quiet village with a bunch of dogs for the rest of my life? am i giving up on the rest of the world?

the answer remains to be seen even for me.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

new year

i think it is now the year 2552 in thailand, but not sure at all. anyway, here is a pic from the water fight!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

better now :)

i think the night i wrote that last post was the last night i felt bad. phew! happy again now. cut off the supposed best friend who doesn't act like one, refused to let the boyfriend back. drove all around the island today for fun. been hanging with nicer people. finished the work i did have... everything is good.

Monday, April 7, 2008

where am i

STILL breaking up with the thai boyfriend even though he has been gone a month. never have i ever had such a passionate, mutually destructive relationship. even though 'm' did unspeakable things to me i still love him (that snuck up on me!) for some unfathomable reason, and i tend to eat shit. used to do that with 'x' too so i have come to the conclusion that i am totally spineless in my surrender to unrequited love. my self esteem is at one of it's all time lows and i feel a bit heartbroken to lose this particular personality and the plans i had made to have him in my life. also suddenly losing a friend who i could talk to about anything- it's a grieving process... at least 'm' has gone back home and is unlikely to return, so i can't fall back into the futility of it all... but i feel pretty lonely. :(

i realized i have a bad prediliction for collecting friends and partners who are not well intentioned, who have shallow priorities, or who basically don't give a crap about me like i do them. time to slough off people like that in my life. i guess at times i feel like i don't deserve to hang out with nice people, or that those people are boring (does everyone feel like this at times?)! however the root of my loneliness is that i don't allow the nice people to get close. so time to change.

also, as much as i am tempted to cut and run (always my first instinct), leaving the island means leaving a lot of things that make me happy- my little dog-family, my garden, the friends i do have in the world, my enemies who are always good for a bit of drama... and where am i going to go? off alone to start over somewhere? people keep telling me to stop running away but i am not so sure that staying in one place helps a person to grow, and i am not retired.... so yes i am contemplating a run, even if it is just to go stay in bangkok for awhile to go to the gym, meet more upstanding men, and study thai.

oh, to add to the emotional cocktail, i have gotten word that my "father", who is on death row in south carolina, will be executed within the next couple of weeks.

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