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balance (2): June 2007

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

<3

if there is a perfect word for the average malaysian (in penang anyway, which doesn't really qualify as malaysia i guess)- that word is 'earnest'. they seem neighborly, sweet and honest. i am sure it is all a big scam like everywhere else but when i stay out of the ghetto of georgetown, even though i miss the character, i have a more interesting time. the weirdos that follow me around are less sleazy and more psychotic anyway, in their kneesocks with their books. (i do believe that is an improvement because psychotics are often highly intelligent whereas sleazebags are just drooling idiots).



i saw a lot of nice family life- chinese, muslim, malay... teenagers at the mall- those situations i usually specifically avoid, but that when you are starting to feel jaded can make you feel safe for a bit (especially given the remarkable and harmonius diversity in penang). in my hotel i spent a lot of time slinking serenely between the steamroom, the dry sauna, the hot and cold jacuzzis, the quiet room with lots of mirrors where i tried to do yoga despite the starbucks shock, the buffet that offered foods i dream about in thailand (found some jelly bellies too), my room with the feather bed and huge window looking over the city lights... along the way were people who smiled and acted interested instead of people who stared and aren't interested in anything other than the story they make up about you as soon as you turn your back. sorry thong nai pan folk, but you get too involved with your damn selves. not that i am complaining, i adore village life. by removing myself i was able to fall completely out of and back in love with my little village home in my time away. everyone wants a home. everyone deserves a place they can get trapped in sometimes. it is nice to be known for who you are instead of what you represent. the ideal way to do it is if you are honest but i have learned too the value of a well placed lie, here in thailand. as my best pal used to say- you have to play the game. i don't have a deceitful bone in my body but i can manipulate if i have to to survive. still, life is not about so much about survival here, there is no hardship, only drama... if you keep to yourself and don't make problems for people you can feel smug when they are making problems for you- oh wait, that's not right...

well anyway i bought a stuffed bunny so i have something to love. and i like being peoples' guardian angels as well. i like trying to save them even when they don't care, though i don't like the not caring bit. i like trying to make them happy even though one can't. but despite futility, you can't be beautiful if you harbour anger and you can't love until you practice loving. that's my newfound story and i'm sticking to it. off to enjoy my fan in my ever enlightening home.

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