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balance (2): February 2007

Saturday, February 3, 2007

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it's my birthday and though i am 31 i will be 29 from now on so there. i have never really felt old, just older i guess... my boyfriend is 23 and i am realizing how much your brain changes in your 20s. i could not ask for a better boyfriend i don't think, he's almost too nice to me, to the point where i find am looking in the grayish corners of things for valid excuses to make him go away. sigh. i find myself falling easily into delicious situations and finding it difficult to squirm back out of them. but is that a bad thing? should i be squirming?

in addition to the free sociology lessons i get from living in an island village in thailand (phew!) i also get free zoology lessons... dogs keep coming, loving, dying. i am able to prolong their deaths at times which is good, but am sometimes relieved to see them go because they are suffering and i am overwhelmed. you can't get too close (!!!) is my biggest lesson in both areas- people and animals! to open yourself up too much to people or things you are trapping yourself. unless you are sure you want to make it your life (ie. get married, become a veterinarian)... you just got to keep squirming i guess. but then another thing i am starting to learn here is that if you do make an effort to put out good, it does come back to you. this is something i never believed before, but i hadn't stayed long enough anywhere to find out. getting to really know and understand people and things around is a seductive schooling as well.

i spent a week in bangkok trying to decide where i wanted to be. in thong nai pan we escape from the world, but the funny trick about it is our reality is good, it is not reality we are escaping- make sense? it is the reality of life in our home countries that we (farang residents) are escaping. i always am accused of dropping out. yes i have dropped out! of a life with alarm clocks, office politics, frigid winters and neurotic people. what am i missing? shopping? do i need a new ipod? do i really need braised salmon with asparagus spears? do i need to examine the ghettos or suburbs more than superficially? do i need to get to the top so everyone can say okay now you win? ...i do miss ideas... yes hrmmm that is it maybe. art, music, film. my solo-global-hitchhiker friend k had a drink with me on khao san road (of which she was mildly contemptuous) and made me wonder if a life travelling with circus kids and gypsies who are creating, seeing, doing everything is more valuable- but i will never be her (or meet those people) and i don't think she is happier than me. same with my friend x, he has beat the dealer in the rat race game. risen quickly through the ranks, amassed wealth in character and money, seen more than i will ever see. it's an amazing life... but my life is amazing too.

still i think i want to go to dharamsala, or south america this year even though the expense makes me gasp. force myself to poke my foot back into the world for a bit, see if i touch anything of interest that inspires me to traipse around in it a bit more.

until then i am drowning in work and my wealth is amassing as well.

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