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balance (2): school of life

Friday, December 1, 2006

school of life

do you think it is possible to have been smart once, and then lost that intelligence over the years through a combination of abuses? this is maybe what has happened to me. i was a child genius. i could read novels at 4, skipped two grades, finally was put in a special school part time, was on tv... you wouldn't know it now. i think it is my emotional iq that is retarded. my ability to communicate. that part of my brain which has any sense of humor sometimes feels extinct. the ability to conjure up a sentence worth sharing feels absent most days. i have a lot of things trapped inside my neurotic and unfocused brain.

something must be in the air and water now especially, or maybe it's that i am an american that is suddenly alone again in thailand. with thais. and talk about opposite extremes in thought processes. i don't understand most of the people around me, and that includes those whose thai i can translate. there is such a complex mix of emotions and personality in thailand. americans in general are straightforward, value honesty, are generous, introspective, creative, and curious. i have said before that americans are big softies, and i keep seeing that over and over again from the tourists here. thais on the other hand, are NOT straightforward, NOT introspective, do NOT value honesty... they are hard. they smile to cover every emotion in the book so that they are basically ticking time bombs who go off at things that perplex me, while remaining cold and detached at things that drive me insane. i have to pat myself on the back for learning to survive amongst these people. sometimes it is overwhelming, and then we just shout "ba!" at each other. (crazy). but then there are those times when you do connect, just for a second, recognize yourself as human interacting with another human on a personal level. i love it, really. in retrospect i have learned so much about all people in the last year... and by extension myself. not all of it pretty.

x said he thinks travel away would do me good. many people say that to me, but i have been travelling my entire life. i am tired of travelling alone. i am tired of being alone! i feel more alive when i make real connections with people, when i have things i love around. you have to understand that part of the reason i lost my intelligence is because it was forcibly drugged out of me when i was young. my entire childhood was a hazy war zone, in which i fought to find a reason to stay alive. these days i find many reasons, every day. i am not going to die here, retire here, expire here. i will leave when i stop learning.

so- stop making me feel guilty, everyone. i am not you, you are not me. even the mistakes you see me making at times have two sides to the story. life is learning, and it might seem like i am growing down, but i was upside down to begin with.


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