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balance (2): 2007 hello (almost)

Sunday, December 31, 2006

2007 hello (almost)

while watching 'borat', i found myself laughing hysterically (such a crazily offensive movie), which throughout my life (and even now) triggers hysterical crying... it was embarassing to be tickled by my ex boyfriend because i would always end up sobbing, but not because i was sad about anything! very weird response to hilarity. anyway i looked it up and found this fascinating article; have a read.

new years eve and my little village is buzzing. no one has time anymore for anyone but the tourists and their naive conversations and behaviors. we people watch each other like animals in a zoo. i bump into their fallen motorbikes, cheers them over drinks and tune them out. lots of parties going on but i am no longer a party animal. i reach out and touch people when i can, try to make them think or respond, but tourists are too transitory to bother with for the most part. instead i play with the puppies that have accumulated in my yard and doctor their various ills. i bought seedlings to plant, paints and oils, food to fatten me up. i am quite happy to work mindlessly with music or movies on, and chat with whoever stops by and makes an effort to prove themselves to me or do yoga. my only forays into anywhere are to eat or drink.

my little 'gig' has come to work on my beach, and stay with me until they give him his room tomorrow. i might as well admit to myself that he's a boyfriend, even though i am super resistant and cool. it's nice to have him around. he sleeps a lot, but he works a lot too. we have good conversations. sex is a little weird as he is somewhat tinier and younger than me, but sex will always be weird for me- period. i am trying not to suffocate him with expectations. in a way he is another puppy, but he genuinely gets me too, for which i respect him. some things he says suprise me, and not just because of his culture- he doesn't have the fake plastic smile, he's straight up.

my writing is still stifled, blocked. mostly because i can't find time to do it. i need someone to give me a writing project, am never a good self motivator unless it is for survival- a despicable trait i admit. again i am considering a trip to NY again for a little asskicking inspiration, and again i am wondering if i should bother spending the money on a place i know (though it would be responsible to get some things squared away before i continue living here). sometimes a little hitchhiking trip through the 'stans sounds divine. sometimes the excess and rigidity of america tempt me. sometimes i don't want to leave my room. but i live in a space between countries, and also between certain employment or not. what it comes down to really is waiting for my paychecks to pile in, and finding a cheap ticket. for the first time in a long time i feel like i have a choice!

let us see. sawasdee bi mai, kha!


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