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balance (2): balance

Thursday, August 24, 2006

balance

having never had real friends before in my life (never stayed in one place), i have not been aware of the pitfalls inherent in them until just recently. first of all, it takes a long time to get to know them, and always just when you think you have them figured out and are starting to get bored, they throw a different mask at you, and you reel and start the discoveries all over again. i have learned not to be presumptuous enough to think i know somebody until i have put in the work. i have one good real friend in my life, who can make intricate masks all the day long, but i still see him peeking out from under them. other friends all fall somewhere along the spectrum of superficial vs. not. when you have people who are in and out of your life constantly, you take on responsibilities. the responsibility to be honest with them, to be loyal, to be fair, to be kind. but also the responsibility to make them aware of their flaws so that they can get out of little traps that trip them (and you by extension) and everyone is happier for it. somehow you have to confront them while reminding them you are still their friend, which means embroiling yourself in a battle between their defenses and your willingness to go the length in order to resolve bad energy or stagnant problems on either side. friends are easily lost at that stage, but only mediocre ones. friends take up your time, are a pain in the ass, can be embarassing, mean and manipulative, redundant vacuums of people sometimes. but being addicted to psychoanalysis as i have always been i much prefer having them than not. (not that people are science experiments, but they are learning tools). and sometimes you get a bit of fluffy love in fun moments that make you feel wholly human and want to keep trying to get to know that person you are smiling at better because you can't imagine them not being in your life in some aspect.

that said, i have to force myself to take some space from my friends. people are all mad in their own ways but their respective madnesses are impeding my life at the moment. they are expensive, two-faced, and dangerous as well as being happy, fun and free... back to no friends until i get my wits back about me and can assert myself better and know what am really getting at. also my friends now serve to portray me as a poster child for shyness, the disease. but when i am not around them i am not so shy. i don't feel respected or loved by them a lot of the time, i feel used and humiliated. can't be too nice to people. shape up. back to hermitdom for awhile. have to stop partying and work a bit anyway!

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