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balance (2): ?!

Friday, March 17, 2006

?!

argh. indecision and neuroses. though i am the happiest and most well-adjusted now that i have possibly ever been, i still can't escape those two pesky feelings.

i have a lovely life in thailand right now- probably couldn't ask for better. i live in a beautiful place, have great dogs, a few good friends, a gorgeous beach and tropical foliage and animals everywhere. decent nightlife. enough projects to keep me surviving here if not thriving.... when i go back to the US this is what i slave away for months to get to, and pine for.

but you just can't ever be satisfied, can ya.

i guess i feel like i am sort of running in place. just turned 30 (?!!?!). no assets or real savings. no stable relationships (or accompanying sex!). still bottlenecked as ever so not producing anything creative. drinking and smoking too much. a bit lonely (as usual) even in a crowd. just... uninspired really. i don't want to travel, i don't want to start a company, i don't want to get married or buy land... i guess i don't really know what i want to do. last year was about working to get what i wanted, which was a way to stay in thailand and still make foreign money. succeeded admirably in that. guess i don't have much to challenge me now. also a bit scared that the longer i stay here the more likely i will be to get involved in another disastrous relationship with a thai man. and i am 100% disillusioned with thai people after 7 years or so of visiting and 3 years of living here. i don't think another set of such money-obsessed, morally bankrupt, and double-sided people exists anywhere else on the face of this earth. it's hard living amongst people you trust not one iota (though i still love and have fun with them).

so i am considering getting out. going back to NY and working or maybe just spinning a globe and escaping to wherever my finger lands and regrouping my thoughts a bit. i will start looking for a new home for my doggie (sob) and someone to sublet my place and i think i will regain my freedom for a bit and see if it brings me to my senses.

after days and days of being seriously ill in bed, i flew to bangkok and spent a couple of days last week with 'x'- the love of my life whether either of us likes it or not, and whom i will only get to see once a year or so from now on if i am lucky. :( both situations probably influenced my current mood, as well as the fact that my two best friends here are leaving (again with the leaving!)


x

2 Comments:

Blogger Chandra said...

Ahhh Anxiety -
The vulture of Sanity.
It strikes when there exists a gap
between where we think we should be
and where we think we are
Stop the mind garbage
and prevent the genocide
of your imagination
Find a way to be at Peace
And treat yourself well
Fear not my child
The universe has conspired to shower you with blessings
From Direction and Peace
To 33 minutes of continuous Orgasm
- The Oracle -

12:53 AM  
Blogger Eman said...

that's amazing...
once more, the power of our brain...

I've been strongly thinking about you for the last days..
"Why has'nt she post anything for soo long"? "How is she now? mentally speaking"
aso...

Just to discover you posted yesterday !

Jesus!

You are save;

6:38 AM  

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