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balance (2): March 2006

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

rats!

my adamant plans to break free of the umbilical cord tying me to the lush thong nai pan, my cozy house, and my affectionate pets crumbled dramatically under the weight of a sudden offer of a full time job from an interactive agency called 'ruder finn' in NY. i have been taking random one-off projects from various people for the past 3 months, but just making enough money to get by, and thus figured it wasn't worth running in place here for...(?!) but a full time job at pretty near to a normal US rate is nothing to blink at, and it means i can actually save money from my lovely home office for a bit.

so here i was planning decadent trips to borneo and uruguay (well, really i had pretty much resigned myself to going back to work in NY), and now i need to swallow all of that excitement and dust off the old laptop. time to re-think just about everything.

luckily i am extremely happy, if a bit lonely here. i'll update more later. one of my plans is to work more on this site, but any of you who've been reading for any length of time know how realistic that plan is. ;)

Friday, March 17, 2006

?!

argh. indecision and neuroses. though i am the happiest and most well-adjusted now that i have possibly ever been, i still can't escape those two pesky feelings.

i have a lovely life in thailand right now- probably couldn't ask for better. i live in a beautiful place, have great dogs, a few good friends, a gorgeous beach and tropical foliage and animals everywhere. decent nightlife. enough projects to keep me surviving here if not thriving.... when i go back to the US this is what i slave away for months to get to, and pine for.

but you just can't ever be satisfied, can ya.

i guess i feel like i am sort of running in place. just turned 30 (?!!?!). no assets or real savings. no stable relationships (or accompanying sex!). still bottlenecked as ever so not producing anything creative. drinking and smoking too much. a bit lonely (as usual) even in a crowd. just... uninspired really. i don't want to travel, i don't want to start a company, i don't want to get married or buy land... i guess i don't really know what i want to do. last year was about working to get what i wanted, which was a way to stay in thailand and still make foreign money. succeeded admirably in that. guess i don't have much to challenge me now. also a bit scared that the longer i stay here the more likely i will be to get involved in another disastrous relationship with a thai man. and i am 100% disillusioned with thai people after 7 years or so of visiting and 3 years of living here. i don't think another set of such money-obsessed, morally bankrupt, and double-sided people exists anywhere else on the face of this earth. it's hard living amongst people you trust not one iota (though i still love and have fun with them).

so i am considering getting out. going back to NY and working or maybe just spinning a globe and escaping to wherever my finger lands and regrouping my thoughts a bit. i will start looking for a new home for my doggie (sob) and someone to sublet my place and i think i will regain my freedom for a bit and see if it brings me to my senses.

after days and days of being seriously ill in bed, i flew to bangkok and spent a couple of days last week with 'x'- the love of my life whether either of us likes it or not, and whom i will only get to see once a year or so from now on if i am lucky. :( both situations probably influenced my current mood, as well as the fact that my two best friends here are leaving (again with the leaving!)


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