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balance (2): shrug

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

shrug

after the worst breakup blowout i have personally ever had, and 'o' finally f***ed off back to his mommy in bangkok, i was left feeling very drained and sort of pathetically scared and lonely yesterday. granted, the guy was a petulant spoiled brat and i put up with him for far too long (hello 3 year anniversary), but i did truly have some love for him and i will miss him and his charm (and his warm body) horribly, at least for awhile.... and he has left me in a village that is far from civilization.

but at least i have pretty good friends here, which wasn't the case in either bangkok or the other side of my island where i lived previously very isolated. and i have my pups, which have surprised me by stealing large pieces of my heart when i wasn't paying attention. and i am starting to realize that the independence i lost somewhere along the way is simply dormant, not dead.

but slowly slowly- today i almost killed myself trying to exercise that independence. i rented a motorbike and took on the pothole-ridden, hilly jungle dirt road from my beach to the main town. i stayed in first gear the entire way so it was a laughably slow trip. managed even the insane main road into town with no problems except an occasional wandering of the mind (shake head, realize i am not in a video game). visited my best pal who i discovered hiding nearby after all. did some shopping, walked on the beach, and triumphantly made my way back before a hovering stormcloud could burst.

and crashed and burned halfway home. i was going down a holey hill too fast and forgot how to use the brakes. ((ow.)) some nice man picked me up and left me shaking and trying hard to look inconspicuous at the side of the road for the next twenty minutes, until i had convinced myself it was the brakes' fault and i was totally cool enough to get back on and continue my journey. i made it home but, unfortunately, i am black and blue and in pain. so much for independence.

funny, too, that my relationship with 'o' (oh!) began and ended with a motorbike accident. sigh.

i have no idea what i am going to do now.

(and it's raining again! what voodoo has been perpetrated on my island this year?!)

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