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balance (2): sunday bloody sunday

Sunday, June 12, 2005

sunday bloody sunday

" henry's looking at about a dozen babies (says my ipod). steel driving with a swing... laying tracks and swinging his hammer into the women... god, henry! say to the devil, you know a man ain't nothin but a man!.......

a crowd of people at the mountain. they ain't doin' nuthin wrong. breed on!....read your bible every spell...jesus loves me defo sho. shrug and sing. don't ask don't tell. make the world go away, get it off my shoulders. "

yikes? no idea who it is. probably on shuffle.

someone said they thought my journal would be hard to write. i'm mystified as to why it's so hard to just be.

and meanwhile i have two abnormally wasted thai boys (men really- ick) chilling out (at least) in my room, in front of tv... it's about two idiots stuck together, with thai subtitles. i'm thinking it's a little too intimate for three. wishing i had twinkies and artichokes instead of dead animals and sticky rice... a ton of nam plao (agua), and a private room so i could fall asleep with one of those menthol inhalers shoved up my nose... and to commemorate 50 years since james dean's death his awkward face on my screen. a guitar player to serenade me from the eaves. my room slightly smoky with nag champa. blanket. no creepy buddhist demon hanging over my head. no crazy cat falling out the neighbors window (hehe). smooth sheets. if 'o' wants to come into my dream room and rub my feet okay but otherwise....there is often a time i wish i weren't in a similar position...i miss some of the other ones. :)

need to relax a bit. *sigh*. stop making various cute but drained and over-emotive people socialize and paying for it... scheming to take over the world. stop thinking about trips back to india and nepal until i have learned the yoga necessary to deal with them. learn thai. fix my site (rrrg). i should pause to develop my mind and not my liver cancer, and actually live to get to my island home. :)

i do have a hard time knowing how to live in bangkok city though... i swallow big gulps of pollution-air every time i go out. fend off splashes of what can only be factory waste on the boat when i can be bothered to go a sterile office with a seating chart. dodge motorbikes without lights on in dark alleys and competitive hair tossing from boyish thai girls. chomp papayas full of pesticides. i choke on fecal coliform in the toilets, according to the papers, how's that... the neighbor refugees are raging with aids. the girls are dancing with penises between their legs. boats sinking. pedophiles are snatched from raping 8 year olds. an evil cop who hated farangs and ran them over in front of a crowd given a life sentence which will win appeals. dengue fever spreading. bombs hidden in children with big eyes or racing next to you on motorbike with a gun pointed at your head. thai rath newspaper especially loves to parade the dead. the headlines are all corruption and and evil dictator and war (admittedly from both my countries). everything is fun if i don't read them but then i'm not sure when to come back out.

plus my i have interviews from singapore at 11pm after i have given up for the day and am in my jammies, my lil brother wants me to design a tattoo and my baby sister wants me to help her move here. 'o' doesn't answer me because we have talked about it before. he's twitching because the cure is nothing like ed carabao. we don't know where to go eat in the morning. his face is lined and tired. i'm bored.

...it's temporary. too many jobs that people keep asking me to keep up with. but some of them paying because i do. :) i grab a book here and there in between them. i went to a vip movie alone where you get a recliner and blanket and your own personal servant boy to bring you drinks on a tray and wet napkins. 280 baht. sin city. (great movie visually, ralph lundgren is another tarantino dessert. but the story was slow. i drank evian.) i have way too many conversations with people i have never seen and end up murmuring to them through a choppy v.o.i.p. dealie. never sure how they are reacting (on IM) but making no mistakes.............. it's so pleasant really. :) my real worries are about telling the thai company i can't work for them because i am too busy with american outsourcing (i am such a hapless traitor) and deciding which street has a soi dog gang or if it's super f**king hot because it's going to rain a super f**king lot later. i'm busy searching for a tree or plant so i can grow my own oxygen.

the young black one stretches and leaves too suddenly. 'o' falls asleep in my lap with a bag of sweets for me clutched in his fist. i decide i need a lower profile. need to stop spoiling people and get back to helping them. or save my breath and money and help myself.

dig my toes into an armpit and sleep. thailand can getcha.

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