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balance (2): may

Monday, May 2, 2005

may

you’re remarkably happy tonight, he says in not quite the same wording. shut up and drink, i snap. parker posey is on tv. 'o' keeps changing it to some documentary on a baby imprisoned with it’s mother (dammit). i step on him thai style when he complains about his aches. we laugh at the fact that his cousin has a new baby boy named ‘action’... it’s true though, i feel the world’s my oyster, i feel like everything is on the tip of my tongue and i am orgasming rhythmically under a slightly anxious surface. i even feel like creating, saving, flying.....ahem, yeah. i am also really drunk right now.

there’s a whole sad side which i hate to acknowledge, entailing the dismal loss of my inspiration and love (who doesn't feel this, though). i am just holding on to the fact that i am lucky! i read about death row and imagined myself (as my dad) imprisoned 23 hours a day and never being able to visit a strip club or pick up a sandwich in a shop anymore, let alone breathe seaside air or follow his heart. not that he probably would care about any of those things. i saw a reflection of my now-shriveled mom when she was young and beautiful in a movie with a handsome co-star. i imagined meeting old friends and family and being shocked by the fact that things change and they are not who i thought they were, because i don’t learn anything. i miss x until i am tied up in knots and feeling ill. somehow i degrade and end up pouting at the injustice of the world when i reflect on the fact that i bought a mop head called “black man” from a banglamphu department store which had a picture of a big-lipped jimbo on the front holding a bucket of cleaning materials. argh. shakes head violently and tries to snap out of it.

i am bi-polar, but i have a curious case in which i can feel two totally opposing viewpoints at the same time.

i celebrated the acquisition of a very interesting project with very interesting people (yay fun! at the asoke office with the cute people)..., with the buying of ot some nice clothes with which to get his own ass in gear. it hasn’t really worked but i am training him. chatuchak market made me murderous in the hot sun. i ordered a strawberry shake and scanned for baby animals. i bulimified an israeli lunch at shoshana’s- liver and onions, pita and hummus, mashed potatoes. 'o' scowled through it because he had asked a ritzy bar for a job and they told him he was too old. (i told him he should have told them to suck his hiney but he’s too nice.) we came home and since my internet addiction is being forcibly cured by a faulty connection, we had sex and got drunk and watched a dumb lovey movie and preached at each other (i preached no religion after which 'o' had guilty nightmares of buddhist ghosts all night) and i vehemently explained the facts of life as i knew them and my plans to save my world.

i am secretly in love with life, though under no illusion as to what life is.
howard marks. you can blame him today.

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