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balance (2): live

Sunday, May 15, 2005


it seems that having been gotten rid of by a certain egomaniacal (but very prolific and successful etc.) person who dominated my life recently is turning out to be one of the best things that has happened to me, as much as i have resisted that truth. i mean, not only do i no longer have to go home to someone who treats me like utter shit, but i don't have to feel bad for being "just a white girl", or feel like i have to live up to anyone's limited understanding of what a person or a life should be, or feel bad for showing emotion or having a (gasp!) human heart, or being simple and stupid and utterly uncreative at times, or feel degraded by anyone who thinks that anyone who has different ideas than their own is simply wrong, or just feel like things are twisted and sick and that everybody sucks because the person i was closest too sucked most of all. for the first time in my life i feel free!...

funny that that is probably exactly how that person feels, but all's well that ends well, for sure.

i just hope i am not turning into someone similar and treating the people around me similarly. sometimes i feel like it is an irrepressible human trait to do so. but i don't think 'o' would (for instance) ever say that i was putting him down. i spend most of my time trying to lift him up... i really do try to motivate people to look a little deeper, be a little more tolerant, think a little bit differently. (nah, i am okay -it can never be said of me that i don't make the effort to be diplomatic or to understand).

now that i myself am back on my feet, what i want is to live happily, with good people around when i want them and placid solitude when i don't. i do not want to work in bangkok in an office for long- i want to be in clean, open air with animals and plants and music around. i want to be able to have days where i lock myself up to produce and others when i am free to laze about- but both at my own beck and call. i do not want a domesticized relationship with anyone- no husband or kids thanks (yuck), though i wouldn't mind seeing my family occasionally. i want to live in thailand amongst the thais but not live on a thai salary. i still want to travel to exotic places, because i need my fix of novelty, but i no longer expect other countries or people to fill any space absent in me, as i have learned that people are human everywhere, every place is essentially the same....i want to contribute to the world, but not necessarily to people (other than those who give me a good reason to help out). and i want to leave my mark in my own way, not in ways that are expected of me.... and well, there's more, but i am anticipating sipping a frosty, hopefully alcoholic beverage while perusing circus-like streetlife, and don't feel like elaborating just now.

always in my life i have gotten exactly what i want (except maybe for that episode with jim french in high school, who didn't take kindly to my "will you go out with me, yes or no" letter :) ). sheer willpower can get a person far.... it is this concept i keep trying to convey to the poorer of my Thai friends, though it usually falls on deaf ears. but me- i have had a lot more time lately to think about what it is that i truly want, and how exactly to get it. and eureka! i feel it a-coming, if i don't jinx myself by thinking i am too lucky.


Blogger Weidenkeks said...

hey nicole. good on ya, as the aussies would say. but as usual. how final is that thought. i'd rather read a couple of more lines into your future blog as you might or might not hook up with 'o' again or realize that you enjoy the steamy life that you're by now used to. don't throw your life away by a notion. think everything through and do whatever you feel appropriate. just have another sip and another drag first...

4:38 PM  
Blogger elocin x said...

hrmm. who said anything about throwing my life away? quite the opposite...

12:51 AM  
Blogger Weidenkeks said...

mhmm. probably didn't mean throwing your life away. should have said, give up what you have? doesn't sound right either... probably should have said 'don't post comments when you're shitfaced' yes, that hits the spot!

11:18 AM  

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